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for as long as I can remember I have hated myself. Ive hated the way I look, the way I talk, the way I am. I try to pretend to be confident hoping that it will somehow magically make me that way. I dont like to show my emotions because i feel that it makes me look weak and people will just use me and leave me. its always been hard for me to keep people around. my own parents didnt want me 20 years ago, who would want me now? i have a very strained relationship with both of my parents, who chose drugs over their kids. my dad has 6 biological kids, my mom 3. my dad has his do over family now so i guess he doesnt need us. ive always been a sad kid, always thinking down about myself. my grandpa (who raised me) recently passed and so now i think my dad thinks that I need some type of father figure. He came to my house to try and set me straight and laid out in front of my why im such a piece of shit and that i need to fix myself because thats a refection on him. my dad is crazy. when he starts on these rants you just kind of have to agree otherwise he gets really mad. he thought i was mocking him basically and got really upset and hurt me. i dont really know how to feel. he has only ever put his hands on my brother before, not me or my sisters. It was so terrifying to look him in the eyes. it wasnt him. i dont know who that was. he told me i need to just get over the fact that he wasnt in my life for like 15 years because ya know, its in the past. i was raped at 15 so i already have a fear of men in general, so this just makes my life that much easier. who can i trust if i cant even trust my own dad? my mom isnt much better but in the way that she just doesnt care. im tired of hearing all of these broken promises. i cant even keep a best friend. i just feel the need to push everyone away because they are just going to hurt me and leave me anyways, right?
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friends
i.. am feeling disgusted with my friends lately I guess. I've (quietly) had trouble with them for a few years now. I've never felt like I'm able to talk to them...
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i guess i'm reassured...
Please do not confuse me wanting reassurance with me not trusting you pr thinking you're not enough. I'm sorry if it seems that way. I have a tendency to assume...
Oh my God, you've been through a LOT in your life!! Wow...Sounds like you don't feel stability in your life or security. That is very, very tough. I'm so sorry to hear about EVERYTHING you've been through...absent parents, caregiver passing away, rape, criticism, loneliness, low self-esteem, it's just all way too much. I just want to comment ONE main thing you probably heard many times, but you really need to understand: You are NOT ALONE.
Everything you've been through? Other people shared similar experiences with you.
Don't let your self-worth and value be defined by other people.
And if you want friendship, we both can be best friends :) (Online)
You can always look for internet friends if you like
But you sound like a very strong girl to me, very strong
Look at me, here...In the EYES....I AM PROUD OF YOU NOT GIVING UP HOPE.
The first thing I STRONGLY recommend, is therapy...please, visit a therapist and start your treatment going :)
Im so proud of you posting this, and the fact that YOU DONT WANT TO BE USED AND LEFT BY PEOPLE IF YOU SHOW YOURSELF AS "WEAK" SIGNIFIES THAT YOU **DO** FEEL SELF-WORTH OF SOME SORT
Let's try by baby steps...
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself, "Screw all the evilness people did to me. Nothing defines me because I'm an independent human with many experiences. I am WORTH THIS WORLD. AND I WILL SHOW IT"
**Kisses you, warm hugs** I really love you, my cute soul :')
You're just the sweetest girl I think I've met
Find people...something, a hobby...that you really enjoy
And start by therapy
Please, it WILL help....Im so proud of you :')
God bless you my dear, God bless you
Replyyou have no idea what this means to me.. i feel like im trying to dig myself out of this whole that someone keeps throwing dirt into. no one has ever talked to me like this. i wish i could hug you
ReplyI really wish I could hug you as well :')
Your post was really emotional
**Hugs**
Hey I love keeping teddy bears with me, maybe you can some day purchase a stuffed toy and treat it like someone with a spirit who can listen? It'll be nice to hug that stuffed toy for real...being surrounded by 3-4 year old kids also makes me feel better, I'd love to hear you try that out some day! :D
ReplyWhen you leave home you will leave them.
Reply