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my mom just died a few weeks ago. she was so young. so kind. so strong. part of me is relieved that she's not in pain anymore. but i know that this is not what she wanted. and this isn't what she deserved.
i can feel myself falling into a hole. the last time i felt this way was when i stayed with my mom while she was doing chemo in august. i barely ate anything, was always using nic or w33d, and became really distant with most of my friends and family. but once i realized what was happening, i left. i went back to my dad's. and i regret that every single day. i always ask myself if things would be different if i stayed with my mom. i came back after a few weeks, but would my mom still be here if i never left?
anyways, my point is: how tf am i supposed to stop myself from spiraling into that hole again? i'm starting to get super dependent on w33d again, im starting to lose my appetite, i've become super distant with my friends, i deleted all of my social media, and i have no motivation to do my work for school. there's no way for me to just escape like i did a few months ago.
i wish i didn't spend so much time taking my mom's love for granted. she was the one who loved me unconditionally. and i took it for granted for my entire life. she was my rock. my best friend.
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I have no idea what w33d is. Maybe you mean weed. If this is helping you cope with your mother's passing this is alright. You are grieving for her and you will do this for some time. Then you will be back in your life doing all of the things you usually do. There is medicine available that will increase your appetite so get some. If you have cut off your friends and deleted social media this is you escaping. Do whatever you feel is right and try to keep up with your school work. Your mum wouldn't want you to fall behind now would she? I offer my deepest sympathy and promise you that you will get through this. All the best.
ReplyHi there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Here's a suggestion that may work for you, even though it didn't work for me (explanation at the end of this comment).
My doctor prescribed a "pre-emptive" dose of sertraline (zoloft), even though I wasn't officially depressed, because I had just suffered a huge loss. It's not a miracle cure for mourning, but it helps keep your emotions from going off the deep end. Maybe talk to a doctor about that?
ok here's why it didn't work for me. I work at a very intense job that requires me to stay focused and sharp as a tack. Essentially my job requires me to be OCD about my task. Sertraline is also used to treat OCD, that is, it dulls that obsessive focus that's required for my job. I started making mistakes, disastrous ones. So I stopped taking it. That probably doesn't apply to most people & most careers but I wanted to mention that side effect. The point is it *may* help you in dealing with this. I didn't want to go through my own story but let's just say it's almost exactly like yours. It's a tough spot, you need all the help you can get.
ReplyI'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It wasn't your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened.
When you feel like giving up or doing drugs, just think about the fact that she might be watching over you. Would she be happy to see you like that or would she prefer to see you strong, taking control over your life and making the best of it?
You're much stronger than you think already. You just need to believe it more.
I hope you feel better soon! Many hugs!
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