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I was 14 when I fell in love with a boy (let's call him B) from my class, but he was in a relationship with a good friend of mine. That made me very depressed and I started selfharming and developed an eating disorder. When his girlfriend changed schools, I started doing more with him (on a platonic base) and my yearning for him became even worse. He eventually broke up with her. We got together 4 months later and I was madly in love with him. We we're everybody's favorite couple, very lowkey and chill, but still did pretty much everything together. My Family loved him and his family loved me. Even his best friend (who is a hard nut to crack and very introverted) started to like me eventually and to this day remains one of my best friends. We were perfect and I felt happy, I even stopped selfharming for a while.
We were two years together when we met a group of new people (let's call them the pack) We started hanging out with the pack mainly because my boyfriend liked them. But they slowly became more my friends than his. One person(let's call them A) especially liked me, and I also liked them very much.
So one day my boyfriend couldn't come to a party which I already had decided to go to. So I went alone with the pack (we've known each other for like 2 months at this point). The party was in a different town so I asked A, who lived there if I could crash at their place for the night (I was 17 at this point for context) and they agreed. So we all had a lot of fun that night. I also was kind of glad B wasn't there that night because we had a fight over him texting with a other girl I was jealous of.
So I slept at A's place and was alone with them for the first time. We talked the whole night and with them I felt like I could talk about my depresion, self harm and eating disorder. I never talked about these things with anyone ever before. But A seemed to understand me and I felt and instant connection. Talking was so effortlessly with them, but when we didn't talk it was just as nice, just calm nice silence, we we're immediately comfortable with each other.
So I slowly fell in love with A. I felt like they we're my true soulmate, they understood me and what I truly felt deep inside. I could 100 percent be myself around them and I loved that. I loved A and I loved me when I was around A. I also loved hanging out with the pack, they all took me as the human I was and never asked dumb questions our judged me or A.
We had a reckless but fun time, partying every weekend, I slept at A's afterwards and neglected everything that was important to me before.
But I didn't fall out of love with B, he still was my biggest comfort. With him my every day life was so easy, everybody loved them and I could just go with the flow.
Eventually I had to break with B anyways because I felt like it was already betrayal, that I liked someone else in my heart.
I never officially got together with A, but when I told my mom about my feelings for A she got ice cold. She didn't like me beeing in a queer relationship at all. And I knew the rest of my family would be even worse, so I didn't even come out to them.
Knowing that this was just plain homophobia, I still did things with A, I still loved them, I still spent time with them. But shortly after my 18th birthday i started breaking down again. My eating habits were as bad as ever and it got out of hand. I missed B giving me stability and love, i also still had feelings for him, but beeing in a bad place mentally made me miss him even more.
Then quarantine hit, and I couldn't bare it anymore, I broke up with A, knowing that they are probably my soulmate, but my family would never have approved them.
I ran back to B who took me back with open arms, pepping me up really quickly, now everything is normal again, like the pack and A never happened.
Sometimes we see each other on discord and videochat, the whole pack like in the good days before corona. And when I see A I feel like I need to get back to them.
I also still dream of a sometimes, even though I haven't seen them since August in real life.
But i spend at leats three days a week with B, whom I love very much aswell.
So I am in love with to people
My soulmate whom my family does not accept, and isn't strong enough to handle my and their mental illnesses. But I could live a alternative live with A. I only was 4 months with them but these 4 months were so much fun! and so exciting, i never tried so many new things in 4 months than with them by my side
And my current Boyfriend who knows me in and out because we've been together for such a long time, who is loved by everyone and gives me so much stability and strength. Life is not as exciting with B as with A, but it's safe and cosy
So I find myself in an epic love triangle with to amazing people who are in love with me.
I am 100% that I'm going to stay with B, I just wanted to tell my lovestory and never ending confusion somewhere.
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Seems like a lot of emotional processing, I think you are sure that you are gonna stay with B so thats great. You just need to find a way to just be friends with A, I guess
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