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was it still rape if I didn't tell him to stop? I know its not his fault but I just want to know..
I feel like I'm failing my current boyfriend (for clarification: not the one who raped me) because I can't get over it and I can't do anything sexual with him without getting really nervous and having to ask him to stop. he always does and he's nice about it but I feel like im being annoying or leading him on. I feel like he'll get tired of me if I don't give him something. one time, before he knew about what happened, he tried to initiate sex with me and I ended up crying and made him feel guilty. thats when I told him about it. I didn't want to but I did so he wouldn't think that it was just because of him. I feel mostly safe and comfortable with him but he still makes me nervous sometimes so I'm trying to learn how to calm down and realize that he's not gonna hurt me. it's hard
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You need to have counselling so see a sex therapist.
ReplyI really do get where you’re coming from here. My ex always pressured me into sex and did things I told him not to do, but then didn’t get mad at him afterwards (for many reasons). And so when I got with my current boyfriend, it was super tough in the beginning. You’re not alone. I was going to tell you to tell your boyfriend about what happened, but you already did so that’s a really good step in the right direction. I wouldn’t be scared of him getting annoyed or bored with you just because you don’t want to have sex for very legitimate reasons. If he’s the one and he understands, then there’s nothing to worry about. Maybe have a talk with him about slowing things down and not just diving right in. He should understand and if not, then maybe he’s not the right one, you know? I wish you all the best.
ReplyIn the legal sense? No. If you don't voice opposition, then it's different.
That doesn't mean that it wasn't triggering to you, by any means. Someone else mentioned seeing a sex therapist which I'll definitely say would be the right call here.
One thing I did that might be helpful for you is to just touch each other, very, very slowly. Particularly for you. Just have him place his hands on you somewhere on your body that is comfortable. It doesn't need to be anywhere specific. If you're only comfortable with him touching your hands, start there.
Then, have him move his hands until it becomes uncomfortable. That's where he's gonna stop and just leave his hands for a few minutes. That's it, that's the end of the exercise.
Repeat this every few days or so and most importantly, if you choose to actually follow my advice, be HONEST. Do not feel like you have to keep going or anything. If you feel too uncomfortable, voice it and have him remove his hands immediately.
This will help your body and mind form a trust for his touch. Which seems like something you'd be interested in. It may take a few weeks, it may take months or even years.
But if you do this and allow him to become comfortable with you and you become comfortable with him, things will happen naturally. Your relationship will almost certainly be far stronger than most others and it'll stand a better chance of lasting.
And you may experience a sudden burst in your sex drive towards the end, just as fair warning. Because those scars would have been loved so thoroughly. It's not a guarantee, but it can happen.
The key being that you learn to trust his touch and even welcome it. That's how I overcame my sexual trauma. I hope it can help you.
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