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17 year old, pandemic, with some fireworks in the background for the coming year. I've not accomplished much this year, it's another year wasted, though its not solely my fault this time.
I have to finish my work that I've been sitting on for far too long now- it's for school and I just don't want to regret not having used my time wisely when those exams come round. I've looked far and wide to find that reason to keep the momentum up but I can't really find it. I read this one post on 'how to do something with your life' and I've realised I just don't care enough about other people to want to do something with myself. The examples were: ending malnutrition, seeking equality, women's rights, education rights and so on. All of which just make me feel like a spoiled little brat, an ungrateful and obnoxious little brat. But I also don't have the will power to take any actions and get myself put of this headspace where I hate on everything trait I have.
I do like rest- my rest consists of doing anything but studying. I mean ANYTHING. I even like cleaning my room-- i enjoy it, walking, jogging, sleeping, laying, down, sewing for fucks sake-- I volunteer weakly at Oxfam to get out of my monotonous everyday life. I even went out on a bus trip yesterday, by myself, to nowhere and came right back. It felt good in the moment-- just letting things happen on their own. Although it felt - once again - like time wasted as soon as I got back. To sum it up, this year has felt like any time I've used for 'myself' has been overused and then go on to become: wasted.
I know the solution to this actually, people recommend setting yourself reachable goals every day and allocate time for this. and leave a gap for downtime, so that it feels as though you really do deserve the break. But you know, it just seems never-ending. I know I can expect some very happy and wholesome moments in my life that are yet to come, but the wait is just so miserably long. And it feels like every good little moment is so short and wrapped up by more feelings of regret, being unaccomplished and being completely irrelevant.
It just keeps on going. Once the GCSE exams had finally finished, and now A-levels exams are closing in, and then onto a university degree I desperately picked because I didn't want to be the only person who doesn't know 'what to be'. And then a career to come where I can't say for certain I'd enjoy it. This picking a degree thing happen to be so difficult and I don't hear enough discussion about it, and not one person can make me believe that other kids are in the same situation and that "that's okay". It isn't. I have to write a personalised, mini essay on a pretty much a SPECIFIC degree, and had to have met qualifications for that field, all the while showing hard 'evidence' of your enthusiasm into learning a degree which you're meant to have chosen anywhere between birth and two months prior to application deadline.
Not to mention, my very traditional family-- even if I keep telling myself that this is the 21st century, and I'm in Europe, and that I ultimately have a choice, my parents would still be pressuring me nonstop about marriage and bringing up a family. That's only how things work. To add a cherry to this misery, I don't want to be a part of their religion. But I love them too much to break them-- by disappointing them. Saying your parents 'just want their child to be happy' feels like such a westernised idea. A white people saying. My happiness isn't it. It's all on following conventions. How things are meant to be.
With my level of enthusiasm to that career and still wanting to be financially independent from everyone is going to a miracle for parallel-universe me. I keep telling myself that this is maybe that teenager blood boiling in me and that these overwhelming feeling would pass if I keep making to-do lists everyday.
I like my mom a lot. She'd be devastated and give herself a hard time. She's such an angel I wouldn't want to do that to her. My closest friend, already has a plateful, I'd feel like trash for being a burden on her mind. But then again I wouldn't have to worry about feeling guilt. Or anything
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sigh
Sometimes when I get in trouble from my parents I run down to my room and cry, and I'll lay on the floor because I feel as if I don't deserve this great family...
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oof
I used my "i'm annoyed as hell and I'm talking to my little brother" voice without knowing who was on the other side of the door. It was my mom....
Just do you. If you always follow what others tell you to do, you are not living your life; you are living theirs. No human being on this Earth is entitled to waste their life according to other people. Do you think you can tell someone else what to do? Nope! So don't listen to what others tell you to do.
ReplyLook up David Goggins- Stop Caring What Other People Think Of You on Youtube
ReplyHmmm... sounds like your brain is very responsible and likes to tell you what you should be doing. That's good. You're one step ahead of all the people whose brains don't even turn on. 👏🏼. Now comes the hard part. Making yourself do what you know you should do.
If your career is honestly not for you, then definitely don't do it. I know what you mean though, you need money, and it doesn't grow on trees. (Sad fact of life). Try researching as many other options for making money as you can, and use your degree as something you are working on in the background while you search for your real calling. As hard as it seems now, you'll probably be very grateful to yourself for earning that degree when you get a good job later on.
As for conventions, it can be super hard to stand up to the pressure placed on you by your parents, but that's how people grow up. They challenge ideas like the necessity of marriage or being a certain religion. Stand up for what you believe is right, even if those beliefs are different from your family's. Try to be nice, and nonconfrontational, about it as much as possible of course, but stick to your beliefs. Writing them out on paper really helps.
Anyways, I hope you have an amazing 2021, and i wish you good luck in everything you decide to do. xx
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