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Just because there might be a slight chance that it might've happened, doesn't mean it did. I saw alot of messed up stuff in my childhood. It could have been anything else...
See, I have cptsd. And I don't remember some stuff. And I remembered some of the bad things that happened later. Mostly violence from or between my parents. But...
Well... I have been noticing all of these trends and patterns in my life. Little things that don't seem connected at all. And they probably aren't. Because it didn't really happen. No. It can't have.
But it's just a stupid idea that came into my mind for no reason. I've probably seen too much law and order or something. Or anything. Because if it were real. L...
Look, Just because I was very sexual and aware of my own body from an extremely young age, and have always been scared of being choked, and of not being in control, and I ended up in a string of relationships with abusive women, and have experienced alot of sexual and romantic troubles and stresses, that doesn't mean anything conclusive. I swear it's probably just a matter of looking at things in a certain way until I'm seeing things that aren't really there.
Just like I swear I saw a different pair of eyes than the ones I was actually looking at when a girl I knew recently tried to show me something that happened to her and she touched my neck and I reeled back in horror as if someone just flipped the "horrified" switch in my brain to on...
My friend had lighter colored eyes then the ones that seemed to jump out of her face and look right at me in that moment. Those eyes were darker. And they somehow looked like a girl, a play mate's older sister, who I haven't seen since I was a young boy... but that's a reach, really, to say that it was a flashback. I mean it was vague. And it didn't really last. And just because it made me think of that other boy's older sister above me, choking me, holding me down and...
Well, it doesn't matter because it's not real. It was just some kind of anomaly. I wasn't molested or raped. No. Besides, I'm not gay. So it couldn't have been rape anyway, right? Straight men can't be raped by women. It would've been just a rough first time, at worst. And kind of an early one, but I should be proud of that if it were true, though. You know? Not that there even was a real "it" to be talking about though. Because it can't be true. I'm sure I'm just making up stories in my head...
It didn't happen. So there has to be some other reason for the sick feeling in my gut that's trying to convince me that it did...
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ANYONE can be raped by ANYONE. A gay man can rape a straight woman. A woman can rape a straight man. You sound like you are in shock and are refusing to accept it which is a completely normal reaction. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Please seek out help from someone, you deserve a better life.
ReplyThank you. I wish I could afford professional mental health care. That has to be like Heaven.
ReplyIt was not your fault. Always remember.
ReplyThe only way you'll truly know is if you get a psychiatrist or someone to put you under hypnosis to try to take you back to those memories. Any type of trauma or ptsd can affect how you think feel function etc. I've had my share but I won't go into it. You're a strong person. Strong people who go through those things are not only survivors but warriors. Hope you can find someone to help you with it and feel better
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