All I wanted to was to spend my life with you...

After four years since I've dated you, been your best friend since we were 12 years old, share the same birthday, all I wanted was to spend my life with you. We are both almost 30 years old, and as much as I want to say that I'm glad that we broke up on mutual terms (could have been never), it still hurts a lot.

I waited for you to decide to come back to me for months. Meanwhile, I only had my two friends who were there for me when I sobbed when you weren't here. You said that you were trying so hard and you wanted to try to fix things. But you were scared. I feel that you were really scared of commitment. Because of all that, some guy was interested to date, and I said sure why not, but knowing i'm a fucking dumbass, knowing that I just wanted affection and felt alone/weak. It felt I was cheating on you, even though we weren't together. I just couldn't. I'm stuck in a relationship that I did not want really, but just to have "fun". Now its like I lost everyone, and I'm stuck with him. You were the best I ever had, darling.

I wish my life wasn't based on a clock. I wish I wasn't so stressed and anxious about living on a timeline, thinking the world will end and I will never have a family with you. I wish I wasn't myself most of the time. I'm very vulnerable for you.

You call me selfish, you call me a bitch, because I'm looking out for myself. But I was willing to leave everything for you to come move in from Texas to New York. I really wanted you so bad...

You think I'm over you, no, it's not true. Even with this guy I'm dating, it does not feel right. I'm about to go see him during COVID times (WHEN I AM EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE AND GOING WAY TOO FUCKING FAST AND HE KINDA PRESSURED ME FOR WEEKS, FELT GUILTY) and I don't want to be alone with my anxiety and stress anymore. I honestly think the relationship was on impulse...

I miss you so much, everything reminds me of you. From the music we listen to, to the jokes we made, to everything we have done...COVID made it harder for us to meet and make plans. I really wanted to fucking be there with you...

About to graduate, and I was hoping to move right after getting my degree. I hope one day this break up will actually help figure our own shit, and we can be together forever. (I don't believe in Forever, but with you, I think it is very possible. I love you, you malaka.)