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I feel empty inside, so I grab my phone and go to YouTube, or I pick up my controller and play a game or sometimes I just sit here with it, or I get up and have a cigarette, or I decide to just get fast food.
Those are my most common responses as of right now. I'm completely isolated from everyone else. So there really are no external factors to cause any stress or doubt.
Earlier today, I took all the things I bought to make meals at home, and just threw it all away. Why? Because I'm not going to cook it. No one else is going to cook it for me. So why keep sitting here, beating myself up about not making breakfast, lunch or dinner and instead relying on fast food.
I already loathe myself to a very severe degree. So just the mere potential of even cooking a meal was somehow to much for me to even consider doing. So I threw it all away. It was just gonna sit and rot otherwise, just like I do.
To think I could even be anywhere near worthy of someone else's love. It's just so stupid! I can't even take care of myself! I can't even manage to get off my ass and cook a fucking simple meal!
Why?! Why does this shit have to be so FUCKING hard for me?! I fucking HATE this so god damn much!!
I just don't want to exist anymore! I don't want anything and anything I do want, I'll never be worthy of it!
Yeah, that's what my maladaptive behavior looks like. I don't know how to force myself to change. I know I need change, I can see it clear as day. I'm not fucking blind or ignorant or in denial. I know I need to change this, but I just can't.
Why?
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Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
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