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I think I just had a mini flashback while typing. Still in a daze but not as bad as earlier.
3 years ago · 1 · PTSD, +14 · Explicit
466
I just ran out of emotional strength. Just now. That's what it feels like. I don't know how else to describe bit. Everything feels too much like something at the end of a Disney movie. I'm crying all the time I'm angry at everyone and everything but mostly at myself. I might be reliving trauma stuff maybe? But I thought I had gotten better at staying in real life and in the present. But I'm freaking out. And I'm alone. And I'm lonely. But I keep trying to make my mind stop telling me that I deserve to be alone. I want to it to stop it's like an echo. Like I'm not actually the one saying it. I can hardly think everything is too much everything is full of pain. I feel so separate from everyone else. I am in agony inside. And its shifting like a slithering slimy worm thing from anxiety to despair to self-destructive self-aggression and other states. Some of these emotions are close to neutral but still dark like apathy. This is scary though. I don't understand what's happening to me. I feel like something is boiling inside my about to explode and I might die from it. I'm scared. And alone. I have no one in my life that I really feel like I can reach out to. This is like being in a maze and not knowing anything about bbn it. But on the inside. So many feelings so loud I swear my heart could go blind. I wish I was tired so I could rest. But in distressed and nothing makes sense. O god. This is a ptsd thing. This confusion happened when I had a flashback before. Why does music keep making me freak out? I'm scared she's coming for me I'm a child again I'm hiding from someone. Who what happening to this time? Where am I oh god this isn't realfuckhelp
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i have ptsd and i hate it. but I hate it even more when I see people with it too.
I just.. no one should be like this. we shouldn't be having these flashbacks with intrusive thoughts and memories that hit you like a truck and just drains you after. I won't mention everything because I know you know what I mean, but I just find it so mean that we have to deal with ptsd. everything about it. it hurts me whenever I think about others dealing with it alone too.
i haven't told anyone about it yet. I won't be able to explain where it came from without getting triggered.
but you know what? I know other people who went through what we're going through
I may not tell you exactly how, as it is different for everyone, but it passes and ends eventually. it may be hard to believe, honestly even as I'm typing these, I question it if it does. but I've seen it in others.
I know you want everything to stop. the nightmares, the attacks, the anxiety, everything. that's one of the things helping me get through this. the desire to make it stop. it's may not always be enough for it to stop, but it's enough for you not to give up.
there's an app which helps in ptsd, it's in play store. it's really really helpful.
If you're like me who hasn't asked for help, it helps to research about ptsd. it helps you understand what's going on with you.
after learning more about it, I somehow felt in control even if I'm not.
we'll get through this :)) sending you strenght <3
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