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fuck grammar
i give myself a list of simple stuff to do each day. i cant do one, im such a failure.
everytime someone gets into deep conversation with me, sometimes they hit the right spot and words come pouring out of me. i say really personal things. then when im actually in therapy i cant get the words out. every time i speak its the stupid "uh uh ummm." i never say shit that matters.
for gods sake wtf is wrong with me. this morning i forgot to get water before heading to online class and i felt like crying because im so stupid.
yesterday i was basically yelled at all day by my dad and to stop myself from crying i scratched myself with a pencil. then i went out and acted like everything was okay. i know he was stressed because it was moms birthday and he was trying to get everything done but he always screams at me. for stupid things. like not being able to open a bag or for having an "attitude" (i was just joking about how "because i said so" is not a joke god dammit). but then the next moment were just joking around like normal people.
then today, in online math class i slapped myself because i couldnt pay attention.
everytime i look at my messy room, i begin to feel uncomftorable in my skin because i have 0 motivation to clean it up, it stresses me so.
i literally dont understand math, the only class that even matters i refuse to ask for help because im afraid to get in trouble. im good at comforting others but it makes me uncomftorable to be comforted by someone else.
WHY CANT I JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE i cant even get basic shit done anymore. if i tell my therapist i have been self harming she will tell someone, but i dont want to get in trouble for it. i hold my breath when heavy footsteps pass my door. i can tell where my dad is in the house.
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