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dear person with j name
the 2m guy i was friends with. i don’t know where to start. the way u felt almost everyday, and me being the stupid person i am, allowing u to pass on ur pain to me shouldve never happened. i don’t remember how we started talking, but we knew each other from mutuals. i still want to be there for u as a friend and i’m sorry i physically can’t. the way u feel is just too mcuh for me to handle. i. sorry my unstable mental health is not strong enough to be there for u. i want to but i can’t. with u, i had to be selfish and stop talking to u. to be honest, this is harsh it being friends with u was toxic to me. everytime u were feeling down, i asked why and i offered a listening ear even when i didn’t really want to. i’m sorry u go through all the pain u do. i don’t know why but i made it my job to be there for u. i guess thinking back at it, this was because u told me u tried to take ur own life back in march at the train station. i guess i felt some what responsible for u to not try that again. i really tried to be ur friend, i really did. i stayed up multiple nights just listening to u. and while u went on and on with ur problems, i’d be on the other side of our messages crying for u. crying that u felt the way u did and that u didn’t deserve to feel that way. ur problems would literally keep me up at night. i couldn’t stop worrying. when u relied slower than usual, i couldn’t help but wonder, if we’re trying to take ur own life again or if u were just busy. all this worrying and sadness caused me pain. ot caused my emotions to go numb. it was too mcuh for me to handle i guess. i couldn’t handle crying and pretending i’m ok while u went on with ur problems. i made myself put up with it. it was literally wat i was in for. as i mentioned earlier on in our friendship that u had trust issues and didn’t want to tell me many things because past people u were friends with u opened up to, ur not friends with anymroe. and i’m sorry ur right. i should’ve never let u tell me. i’m sorry u opened up to me because i thought i could be there for u but i was just ignorant of my emotionally stability at the time. u were someone i could easily talk to. u had it worse than me, so you’d definitely understand my problems. i remember i cut myself, it hurt really bad that specific time. i must’ve gotten near the vein or smth. i told u about it straight away cause i felt guilty and in a way, i had felt safer if someone knew just in case anything ever happened. and ur response was to immediately send u a photo of my bloody slit on my wrist just so u could check if i cut too deep. u looked at the gruesome photo, and replied by saying luckily i didn’t cut too deep. if i did, i could possibly be dead. but thanks i guess. for informing me about self harm and wat not and how to do it in a safer way i guess ? i admit, i stayed friends with u because i started to develop feelings. but now that i think back, i think i fell for the idea of being with someone like u and not actually being with u. i’m not too sure. u were one of my only guy friends i could rely on at the time so ofc my lonesome self at the time fell for a toxic guy like u. but i did the worst thing ever. i confessed to u while u were in the talking stage ish with one of my friends. a few days later i heard u guys were dating. i’m sorry i put u through that pain. because later on, i found out u had feelings for me. and the girl u like confessing to u while u were talking to her friend must’ve of been rough. i’m sorry. having to reflect ur decisions like i should’ve waited longer or i should’ve told her first must of gone through ur head. i’m sorry for making u hav regrets i guess. i’m sorry that after i confessed to u, i got over u in less than an hour. that also, must’ve been rough. i’m sorry i added another reason for u to hate urself. i know that was a big thing u had to go through. i told u not to hate urself but i know hating urself wasn’t that simple. just know i really tried to be a good friend to u because it seemed like u barely had any closer friends at school and i felt like i needed to be there for u. but i’m sorry, i listened for too long, i allowed for u to talk about ur problems and i ended up hearing things i didn’t want to hear. u exposed me to all types of mental issues that i didn’t know came with mental illnesses. i didn’t know how to react to some of ur words when u were talking about ur problems. but when u started to talking about harming others, i’m sorry but thats where i drew the line. i went through enough pain already because of u constantly hating urself. but once u brought in wanting to harm other people, i couldn’t anymore. it was simply just too much. i was 15/16 at the time. i had no idea that wanting to hurt others was a real thing. i should’ve known better. i should’ve responded to ur problems in a better way but at the time, i didn’t know anything. i guess being friends with u made me learn a lot. and i’m sorry, you’d hate to hear this but i could no longer be ur temporary therapist/friend. i still want to be there for u, but my empathetic self can not handle the way u feel. so i’m sorry i simply can’t be there for u anymore. u don’t deserve the way u feel
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