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Dear 15 Yr. old me,
Some of the worst times were endured at your age. Honestly, sometimes I don't think you were me at all, you seem so different. What you lived almost seems too traumatic for me to be you. And I still have disorders, but I am nowhere near as bad as I was then. You got parasites, lost your period, lost too much weight, had gray looking skin, stayed up most nights crying that you were still alive, considered suicide so people could let go of you and all your problems you caused them, had panic attacks where you thought you'd die, got hives everyday until you covered up the problem with allergy meds, and was overall depressed. You eventually developed anorexia, but was in denial about it for a while. Like, I know I still can't eat enough often, but you were eating 500 calories a day on average and exercising too. I remember your rule. Skip breakfast, eat one sandwich or just and apple for lunch, and eat as little dinner as possible or skip it even. Terrifying. And you thought you were the worst, most unlovable person ever because of the burdens you felt like you put on people. I remember so much crying at your age. Just crying all alone and not really telling anyone what you felt. One night you were so unstable and hopeless feeling that you cried for 4 hours straight listening to sad music. Yeah, I am glad you did that, because letting it out was a better idea than killing yourself. I am glad you didn't kill yourself because a year later, you actually found a huge passion of yours, learning Japanese. Now I'm in college learning Japanese and even some Chinese. I am not suicidal anymore, but I do still have some ED tendencies left in my mind. Thanks for not dying 15 yr. old me. Even though you probably had it the worst of all the years, you held on.
Love, your 19 yr. old self.
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