No In Between

My brain is having a hard time finding middle ground. Either I'm in a good mood and there are things that make me happy and I enjoy my hobbies or I feel little to nothing at all and find no satisfaction in my hobbies or the will to do anything. Right now, for example, I don't even really want to be awake. There's nothing I want to be doing and I don't even like sleep as a person who has always struggled with insomnia. I don't really stay in good moods for very long and am often here. There is no in between, I don't spend much time feeling neutral and I kinda hate that. I feel like I could cry but there isn't anything in particular on my mind but if I start thinking about things that c o u l d make me cry they definitely will. My chest kinda hurts. Anxiety pressure. But, again, there's nothing in particular on my mind. I think I'm going to have a panic attack? That would suck. I don't want to deal with that, they always make me feel so drained and vulnerable. Absolutely pathetic. I wish I could just be fine. It's such a small thing to ask for and yet I just want to be fine. I don't even want to be in a specifically good mood, those come around on their own. But why can't I just be a nice middle ground, a lovely shade of grey, an in between? I'm tired of being in peaks and troughs with no increase or decrease to get there. It's honestly so draining only being on the outsides of the emotional spectrum. Having highs and lows is fine but why can't I j u s t be fine? nobody wants to read a story without a good exposition and here I am completely living without. I'm just either at the top or at the bottom, no stairs, no slope, no in between. Nnnnnn I feel it, I'm gonna spiral. But I don't want to. Not again. I just did this recently I'm too tired for another I'm too exhausted for more. Less time alone less time alone if I have less time alone it'll help. Everyone is just so busy everyone has work or school or something they want to be doing with their lives and I'm just here struggling to exist here it is here it is another existential crisis another panic attack another night of laying my head to rest in a damp, tear stained pillow.

Boy. Boy would help if he was here. I want boy. He gives good comfort good hugs good cuddles good words. Boy is gentle boy is caring I want him here with me now. He is good boy want good boy want good energy. Boy is positive boy is optimistic boy is good. I'll see him soon I'll see him soon I'll see him soon don't lose yourself in the chaos don't don't don't I'm ok I'm ok everything is gonna be ok. Don't be consumed by this don't get lost in it stay above the surface stay out of the depths. hold still hands you're making it hard to type keep breathing it doesn't matter if it hurts its crucial for life I'm alive breath breathe I was trying to stay away from this I was trying to get away from this its so dumb and scary and unnecessary to be here why am I here because this lives in my brain and I live in my brain and sometimes its hard to do anything but be in my brain because I live in my brain and this lives in my brain sh sh shhhhh stop it stop it stop. its a little too loud just calm down calm down don't lose it don't lose it stay stay stay stay stay up up afloat above. think of something that isn't this think of something to get out of this whats new whats happening what do I do what do I do I don't do a lot I um I just oh geez stop it ok I'm gonna be ok its just a little anxiety I'm gonna be fine its just a little panicky but its fine its fine this normally dopant happen as often as it has been lately the meds help the meds help its ok I'm ok its fine I'm ok. don't scratch don't do that. hands stay typing they need to type they're busy cant do other things they're typing good good yes. ok now fill brain ummmmmm it needs something in here nnnnnn sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh the pattern of typing that is nice and distracting calming repetitive boring yes I like stuff like that good good good b r e a t h e stop forgetting to breathe properly you're just causing more problems by doing that sill silly silly. think about something think about tomorrow which I guess is today because its so late at night haha what will I do today I don't want to do a lot honestly I haven't been feeling for it but I might feel better in the morning if I don't continue to lose my mind if it stays put like it should. the same thing we do every day pinky I do the same thing everyday basically n thats good I like repetitive things I do like spontaneity though thats nice too but its better when I'm not already feeling anxious or stressed or worried so maybe none of that today tomorrow today. Tuesday Tuesday what do I do tueday just a boring ol gamer jus game like I do everyday everyday thats good do something boring to keep your sanity n then see what else sparks interest if anything right yeah ok yeah.

ugh I hate that. I hate all of this sometimes. I do what i can to try to make myself better yknow caring for your mental health can be a struggle and even working towards better mental health doesn't always mean you'll be in good places all the time. Life is just like that, ever fluctuating. I wish I was always this clear minded. I know that I've been in a lot of only ups and only downs lately. Which makes it feel like that's all I'll ever get. But there is in between, I'm just in between the times where it exists I suppose. I do still wish I could just be fine. It's been a lot lately, emotionally exhausting. Draining. I'm tired all the time already and things like that don't help. Hurts all the more and makes me more prone to episodes like this. I suppose what I'm looking for is more filler episodes. Pffff what a dumb joke, don't laugh at that. Anyway, I know I'll be fine. It's just a bit of a hard time here and there and it's been a little rough lately for reasons beyond me.