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Why is this happening to me?
11 months ago · · Stress,
Why is this happening to me. I understand that everyone have their own difficulties and I cannot compare my problems with others. But for me, my problems are big in my own life and my own importance.
People advice me to celebrate even the smallest of the happiness moments and to cherish them. I do so but it is short lived. And also, people advice to learn from the mistakes and not to repeat them. True, but just one mistake can change life and divert it to a whole different path. I am just 24 but, my life has already seen many things.
The first thing is my father left us when I was 10. And it was mutual and the problems were from both the sides (my mom and dad both had problems). I was very small and my dad left me. My mom was short tempered and not so sensitive to my feelings and emotions. I was scolded for every small thing and it followed on. And after we separated, I rarely had contact with my dad.
I grew up with my mom and grandmother. I did not understand what life was as any 10 year old would. I started growing up. When I was 14 I did not know how to behave with friends. I had social anxiety (that's what I feel and I still have), nobody appreciated my company and I grew so on. No friends and no proper parental support. I did not know what my life was up to and I was not a bright student also.
When I was 16 I wanted to have a girlfriend and stuffs just like a normal teenager but I was short, fat and really annoying. So nobody liked me. In between this also, one of my friend liked me which I could not observe and avoided her and it will get worse from here.
I decided to pursue engineering. While selecting the college for my undergrad, I did not select a proper college. My mother put some conditions which I agreed to because I had to. I joined a mediocre college and completed my undergrad with an average score. Not so great but I completed my undergrad and wanted to move forward with my graduate studies.
I had a pretty good score in TOEFL and GRE. Even though I could have joined public universities or state universities, my mother forced me to do to a private university. Well I agreed because she force me to. I had good job offers in hand which could have given me experience and stuffs but my mother forced me to go to this university. I joined and my life was hell.
I did not get what subjects I wanted and which subjects I had taken were useless. Nobody was there to guide me into anything and I was just like a caption less ship. I tried to steer my life so hard but at every turn I was falling into more trouble than before.
First semester fine in my graduate school. At the end of first semester, I had a bill of $1500 which I had to pay because of trusting a friend. I paid it using a credit card and the bill I am still paying. In second semester I made a stupid mistake of letting go of my Graduate assistant position because a friend of mine asked me to let go of it to her. In third semester I went into chronic depression because of the same person. I wasted my fourth semester due to covid, overthinking and OCD mixed with the depression from the thirst semester.
In between all these I had ligament tear, one in each leg. The girl who liked me whom I mentioned earlier, I asked her if she wanted to get together and marry her, but she was seeing some other guy. I was totally fine with it but she started to message me with all the romantic stuffs she did with him and fantasy stuffs she did with him. She told me each and everything she did with her boyfriend and tortured me to hell with it. I don't know whether she enjoyed telling all those things and see me cry.
Now I am in depression, suffer with OCD and overthinking, have insomnia, stress and panic attacks often. I am broke, literally begging for my food, shelter and job. Paying my dues, bills and rent. Somehow managing things. I and insecure and doubt myself. I am not so intelligent and unable to concentrate on anything. I am addicted to porn. And want to kill myself so that I can rest in peace.