What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
Why is this happening to me. I understand that everyone have their own difficulties and I cannot compare my problems with others. But for me, my problems are big in my own life and my own importance.
People advice me to celebrate even the smallest of the happiness moments and to cherish them. I do so but it is short lived. And also, people advice to learn from the mistakes and not to repeat them. True, but just one mistake can change life and divert it to a whole different path. I am just 24 but, my life has already seen many things.
The first thing is my father left us when I was 10. And it was mutual and the problems were from both the sides (my mom and dad both had problems). I was very small and my dad left me. My mom was short tempered and not so sensitive to my feelings and emotions. I was scolded for every small thing and it followed on. And after we separated, I rarely had contact with my dad.
I grew up with my mom and grandmother. I did not understand what life was as any 10 year old would. I started growing up. When I was 14 I did not know how to behave with friends. I had social anxiety (that's what I feel and I still have), nobody appreciated my company and I grew so on. No friends and no proper parental support. I did not know what my life was up to and I was not a bright student also.
When I was 16 I wanted to have a girlfriend and stuffs just like a normal teenager but I was short, fat and really annoying. So nobody liked me. In between this also, one of my friend liked me which I could not observe and avoided her and it will get worse from here.
I decided to pursue engineering. While selecting the college for my undergrad, I did not select a proper college. My mother put some conditions which I agreed to because I had to. I joined a mediocre college and completed my undergrad with an average score. Not so great but I completed my undergrad and wanted to move forward with my graduate studies.
I had a pretty good score in TOEFL and GRE. Even though I could have joined public universities or state universities, my mother forced me to do to a private university. Well I agreed because she force me to. I had good job offers in hand which could have given me experience and stuffs but my mother forced me to go to this university. I joined and my life was hell.
I did not get what subjects I wanted and which subjects I had taken were useless. Nobody was there to guide me into anything and I was just like a caption less ship. I tried to steer my life so hard but at every turn I was falling into more trouble than before.
First semester fine in my graduate school. At the end of first semester, I had a bill of $1500 which I had to pay because of trusting a friend. I paid it using a credit card and the bill I am still paying. In second semester I made a stupid mistake of letting go of my Graduate assistant position because a friend of mine asked me to let go of it to her. In third semester I went into chronic depression because of the same person. I wasted my fourth semester due to covid, overthinking and OCD mixed with the depression from the thirst semester.
In between all these I had ligament tear, one in each leg. The girl who liked me whom I mentioned earlier, I asked her if she wanted to get together and marry her, but she was seeing some other guy. I was totally fine with it but she started to message me with all the romantic stuffs she did with him and fantasy stuffs she did with him. She told me each and everything she did with her boyfriend and tortured me to hell with it. I don't know whether she enjoyed telling all those things and see me cry.
Now I am in depression, suffer with OCD and overthinking, have insomnia, stress and panic attacks often. I am broke, literally begging for my food, shelter and job. Paying my dues, bills and rent. Somehow managing things. I and insecure and doubt myself. I am not so intelligent and unable to concentrate on anything. I am addicted to porn. And want to kill myself so that I can rest in peace.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
I’m not your happy little girl anymore and it’s your fault
I’m trying so hard to be your perfect happy little girl but it’s kind of hard to smile through your mental abuse. I wish I could just leave but of course I...
-
My Unsent Letter
So this is a suicide note but I'm not actually going to commit. This is just for if I was going to commit. Dear Best Friend, You are the best person in my...
You are a brilliant, kind, capable, and effective person. The wickedness of this world tried to sabotage you to prevent your gifts from manifesting. Carry out your good work in defiance to all that seeks to cause suffering in the world, be that champion I know you are. They cannot destroy you, and you have a love in you that gives you strength beyond human perceptions. Let that love shine forth, let it renew your mind and your heart, and know we love you *hug*
ReplyI don't know what will happen. I am paranoid and thinking that I will die soon. I have no work and idk what to do.
ReplySomeone always needs something done; it may not be glamorous or prestigious, but an initial point of income. There will be many paths that will lead to more funds, each step and experience brings you closer as you continue applying and refining your abilities. Use this time to research any and every aid you qualify for, jobs in your area, even any remote work opportunities (Though dutiful study of each hiring business online will help avoid possible inconveniences). If you wish, you may partake in entrepreneurial pursuits. Dedication has lifted many to great heights, and those heights are within your reach. Your assignments: 1: Begin searching for employment opportunities (it does not have to be your forever-job); 2: Once you have an income stream, begin researching your next intended step for work, what you need to know, where to get knowledge and experience (small and new businesses are great for this), and any courses locally or online to build your skills (Udemy has discounts, and "Alison.com" has courses that are paid for by ads; the certificates are an optional purchase, but not required for participating); 3. Seek investment opportunities to build later funds (investopedia is a very helpful site with a free newsletter regarding investing), even small amounts to start can help get the compound interest started (I use Vanguard for my Simplified IRA); 4: Set aside time for reflection, let your thoughts speak, but weigh their words carefully, akin to setting up a timed meeting to cover feelings or any challenges; 5: Set a time budget for each day (using a 24 hour clock helps visualize it) for work and essentials so you can allocate sufficient time for other activities and rest; 6: Continue your journey, be the amazing person you are, be the blessing in people's lives, let love guide in all things, and always remember that you are loved *hug*
ReplyI don't know who you are and where you are. But thank you so much for replying to my post. It is motivating and uplifting.
I will follow the things you just mentioned.
Thank you so much once again
ReplyYou are most welcome, much love from Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA :)
Reply