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It has been 10 years since we parted ways.
You've since married, and from last I heard, have become a parent yourself. I have gotten married, too. We have no kids yet, but I too would love to be a parent myself one day.
I hope you're doing well in your life. It's a rat race for me. It keeps me occupied, but many days, I don't enjoy it. I'm sure you have your own obstacles in your career as well. But given the person I know you are - you will overcome them.
We were each others' first love. We went through our studying life together; our world only consisting the both of us. But I lacked understanding of how the "real" world works. I guess we both did.
There were so many more people to meet.
More complicated interpersonal relationships.
More temptations, and more ways to fail.
And soon, you just didn't seem enough anymore. You became less attractive to me. And everything you did, every care you gave me just pushed me further away. Nothing you did would have helped - because I was the one putting the distance between us.
I needed to hang out with this new person, this new group of people. They were so cool! I loved everything about them. Most importantly, I think she liked me too.
Although. didn't we already go through this in school; college?
I should have been wiser.
And when I failed, I dragged my sorry self back to you, begging you for your forgiveness.
It was too late, and you were convinced the only reason I was back was because I failed.
I protested, but deep inside, I thought that to be true as well.
It's ten years later now, and maybe - just maybe, it wasn't.
In quiet moments, memories come back. I push them away every time, because the feelings remain raw to this day.
Through this, we both have become stronger. I'm sure you did, after the pain settled. It's so unfortunate the lesson had to come from me, and bring us both so much tears.
I often wonder how life would be if things were different.
Will I just commit the same error - maybe with a different person, in a different time?
Will I be missing the same exhilaration, the chase - someone new, something mysterious?
I sincerely do not have the answer to these questions. But it speaks much of the type of person that I am, that I do not place value on what I already have.
I abhor this aspect of my personality.
In a twisted, and perhaps a selfish perspective, I'm glad I did it early - and spared us both from a longer - but ultimately futile relationship. I'm glad I broke our relationship and not our marriage, years on.
You did not deserve such pain. You are such a pure and gentle soul, and always had my best interests in your heart.
I am so sorry for hurting you.
Ten years on, I am in a happy marriage, with a stable job and a comfortable life.
I am no longer a part of your life, but memories of you still bring tears to my eyes.
Thank you for the wonderful time we spent together.
You always encouraged me to be the best person I could be.
As long as my memories are still mine, I shall cherish the small sliver of time we spent together.
Take care, Serena.
J
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So moving and beautifully written <3
You’ve come a long way, J.
ReplyI feel you bruh. I too have a "Serena" in my past. Your writing is inspirational - to appreciate the love lost for all that was learned, and of course wish nothing but blessings and the best for them. Thanks for sharing.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
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