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This post is to distract me from something. Read at your own risk.
1 month ago · · Self Harm,
I'm in pain again, it's that type of pain that comes on suddenly and I start to get a headache as my brain tries to tell me am in emotional distress and doesn't know why it's making me feel I'm having my rib cage ripped out or my limb suddenly catch fire.
When I younger, I could just cry and ride it out because that's what kids do they cry.
When crying was no longer acceptable, I had to find out other ways to make it go way. I scratched myself , at the time I didn't know what self harm was. I was informed about self harm and suicide around the time I had my frist period. Though during that time being briefly inflicted with real pain made it go way. I didn't stop the occasional meltdown.
I don't really remember if I got my diagnoses for list that summed up to drowning within my own head until I die frist or my elementary teacher caught me. I just know that I started using physical pain to dull the emotional ones when I started getting bullied, tbf I deserve it.I remember purposely putting myself out on the time out bench and would just spend my entire recess scratching my arms for any recess I couldn't stay inside. Though I was told to stop.
Highschool and college I hid it better scratching and sudlmented with biteing tearing up the skin around my fingers.
I know I'm skipping a bunch of details but I'm sure the context for my brokenness if you cared.
The thing is I've been writing this to ride out a wave of pain because I have a razor blade in front of me on my desk. 2020 was a hard year but because evenone was suffering and having a hard time I thought I could accept my pain and finally grow up. 2021 kicked me and spat on that idea, 2 months in and this is where I'm at.
I know that there was some type of spring cleaning going on December and January and I just found a random box of razor blades, I took 3 out and I have had them hidden in the pens besides my laptop. Today's been really hard and I have so much to do dad procrastinating wasn't really my plan, but after taking one of the blades out of their paper cardboard sleeve I needed distract myself until I clam down.
I'm just so alone and I'm loose things to look forward.