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So. The first thing I want to talk about is the thing that is the freshest in my mind. Devices. Ok so a lot of us rely on electronics right. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm one of those people. Okay? I use my laptop for YouTube, Twitch, homework, drawing, music, writing. Personally I struggle with depression and I've found that being online helps distract me. Makes me smile. But I'm using it A LOT. My parents have been nagging on me about it saying it's not good for me. It probably isn't good for me. But like I guess they don't seem to understand that music and these streamers help. They don't understand that I struggle with homework. No matter what I try, I always seem to have terrible focus. They say that maybe I should take off the headphones. They don't understand that my music helps me not to feel so alone and that my focus is worse without it. Look I know it's probably horrible for me. To be on from like eight in the morning to eleven thirty most nights. I know it's horrible but it's where I am able to smile and I can't control the fact that I have homework. That I struggle with it. And I have something to add on to that. The amount of homework given out by teachers is ridiculous. Today I had a paper to work on, a grammar assignment, a science test to review for, an algebra paper, and Spanish to finish. All of that at home. I had already finished my history reading and my assignment for reading class. So of course, I'm sitting at my desk for hours doing my work. And I'm too stubborn to go to any of my teachers for help with it. So I end up getting stressed about it. And I feel like I'm losing my friends as I do it. Slowly pissing them off cause I'm never able to talk or play Minecraft or Among Us. So of course I feel guilty about that. And I want to make time in a day for everyone. For my family who I feel like I'm slowly pushing away. For my friends. For my school work. For myself and my own mental state. But of course my anxiety forbids that. I overwork myself. End up staying up til like eleven thirty. Falling asleep anywhere from there to midnight. Waking up at six thirty. I mean I'm able to function on that much sleep. To be honest it's probably much more than some people get in a week. But given that my sleep schedule has gotten so bad just recently, it's taking a toll on me cause like I'm not used to it. Idk it's weird. Like bro. I just want to breathe. But there's this weight on my chest. Like, Idk there are times when everything feels so heavy. But I can't let go. And I don't want to seem weak so I bottle up my emotions until it all comes out in this emotional sort of release. Things are hard. I've been told that other people have it worse. I know they do. I want to help those sort of people. But things are hard for me too even though some people don't realize that. Just cause I don't openly weep doesn't mean I'm not crying. Just cause I don't have scars doesn't mean I don't hurt myself. It's difficult. Like I know things will be okay. I know it will get better. But I don't know when. Y'know? I guess I kinda just want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it will be okay. Not my parents or a friend. Not a stranger. Like someone who's helped me through my worst times. Of course the person I'm thinking of is dead but a person can still imagine. I just want it to be okay. Look it really helped to rant. I'm not okay at the moment. I will be okay eventually. But you don't have to respond to this. I don't need pity. I just needed to get some stuff out. So thanks for listening (or reading I suppose)
-WM
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