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1 month ago · · Anxiety, · Explicit
Where to start? I feel so alone. My best friend knows me pretty well, sure, but only the tip of the iceberg. It would bother me way too much if she knew more. Is it that I don't trust her? Maybe? I don't trust anyone.
The thought of someone knowing me so well that they can predict my actions/thoughts/feelings makes me so uncomfortable but it's also something I crave the most. I'd give anything to have a significant other who's mindful of my anxiety and reclusive tendencies. Who's so understanding when I feel like I can't communicate with words. Who doesn't blame or push me when my depression gets so so bad. Someone who understands that my actions, even though they may seem sudden or random, have a legitimate reason. Someone who treats me like I'm human. I want these things so much but they also terrify the living hell out me.
It's not even just on a romantic level either. This also applies to friendships and professional relationships like with a therapist. How am I suppose to open up to a complete stranger like that? I know I need help. I have my demons. Bad ones. Deeply ingrained ones. But I can't bring myself to go. There will always be the possibility that I have PTSD, C-PTSD, an interest based nervous system, inattentive ADHD, high functioning autism, obsessive compulsive thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming, and/or some other obscure mental issue/divergence shadowing over me. And in all honesty I'm less afraid of "if" than the truth. Unfortunately, I'm so stubborn that if someone insists that they know someone or that they themselves can help, I dig my heels in and shut them out because I've been told this so many times before and time and time again they have proved themselves wrong, especially those of the religious variety.
I know it's bad especially when this is how I go about my physical health as well. I'm a trans male who needs to screen for PCOS and test for arrhythmia/tachycardia. But I'm just too afraid.
I'm scared and I'm alone.
It always feels like there's this persistent perpetuating stagnation that will never move. It doesn't matter what direction at this point and sometime I wonder if it's just because I'm not suppose to be here. I was conceived by accident and birthed out of obligation and constantly reminded of it. And I was bullied so bad to the point of isolation that I was suicidal at the age of 12 because no adult would help me or even pretended that they cared. I never attempted, however. I was and still am afraid of dying in pain. I've never had the mental tolerance. When in the thick of it, I can handle pain like a champ but if an action would even possibly result in the slightest bit of pain, no thanks. Call me a chicken shit I don't care.
Point being, why do things have to be so bad that a 27 year old has to sit hear and wonder why the still exist?