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I found your ultrasounds just 20 minutes ago. I never wanted to fail you. I wanted to be there, I wanted to be in your life. To love you and teach you and show you all the things this world has to offer. It hits harder than anything else. Forget all the crap I went through, I just wanted to be there. But I wasn't given the choice to nor the chance. It makes me... there are just no words for it.
But I'm supposed to just forget? I'm supposed to just move on? To keep pushing forward so more can be taken from me? Why?
You and your brothers are the only source of pride I've ever truly had in this life. Each one of you, taken from me by one force or another and it's a constant reminder of why I don't want anything from this place anymore. Doesn't matter how much I change or what I try to do. Nothing is ever bringing you back to me.
That's the cold reality I've been left with. To hell with this world, to hell with society and norms. I just wanted to be your dad. The day you were born was the last time i got to see you. I've missed you every single day since then. I wish things could be different, there's so much I wish I could say but I honestly don't want to blame anyone, despite the fact I know that I should.
There was a time when I just wanted to be around. Now I just don't want anything. This world has been so cold every step of the way. What's that quote again? You can take everything from a man but if you take his son, you break him? Something along those lines. Regardless, it's true.
But you'll never know how much I love you or miss you or how proud I am of you just for existing. You'll never know anything about me other than the fact that I'm not there. Because other people chose that path for you.
I can only hope you'll be better for not knowing me. Because that's the only choice I've been given. Doesn't stop the hurting or the pain as I trace my fingers over your ultrasounds, wishing I could change reality.
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