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I'm Still Mad
1 month ago · · Rant,
I don't even want to be. It's not even like I'm holding a grudge or I want to be mad and hate him I'm just still mad. There were so many things I wanted to say and the only person that has them to think about is me. What am I supposed to do with these thought except stumble upon by accident and find myself mad all over again? I'm not going to go out of my way to yell at him now, it's been too long. But if I did he would get an absolute earful.
You used me. Fortunately, not physically. Emotionally. I showed you parts of me I wish I hadn't. I let myself be weak and vulnerable with you so that you could learn and grow. You used me as a confidence booster when you felt like no one liked you. You used me as a constant when you felt like no one wanted to talk to you. You used me as a trophy to show off to somehow prove yourself to your friends. You took jokes too far, you blamed me for our problems, you let me believe that we wanted the same things. But you didn't. You just wanted a placeholder until you got back from overseas and could do whatever you wanted. You were somehow so respectful and yet somehow wanted to push my boundaries, I don't know how you managed that sort of balance. You absolutely crushed me. I waited so excitedly, so patiently for you to finally be back. I thought we would finally have the relationship we talked about for so long. There were so many things we were going to do together and places we were gonna go and you just... You just couldn't spend more than a day and a half with me before breaking up with me. Part of me thinks that you really did choose smoking over me. I want to believe that you'd never be that shallow and heartless. But you quit smoking because I said I didn't date smokers and when you started smoking again of course I gave you crap for it. But you said you'd quit again. What I didn't realize is that you meant you'd quit me. You used me to build you up and encourage growth and support you all the while until you were done with me. You used my affection for your own personal gain and allow others to reap the benefits. I'm happy for you, where you were was no good and where you are now is a good place to be. I just hate that you got rid of me as soon as you made it. You made so many plans, promises, proposals. You didn't deliver on any of them because you couldn't even spend a weekend with me at my request. Instead you broke up with me and still tried to act like everything was fine. I'm still mad. But I'm over you, it wasn't that hard to get over someone who demolished me the instant it wasn't convenient to keep me around. I don't mind hanging out when our friends are hanging out with both of us. But I don't want you telling me about all the success you're having with dating after the way you treated me. I don't want to hear it. I'm still mad. Your confidence and communication are what they are now because of all the help I gave to you from the depths I cared for you. God, I'm so glad that I didn't let myself settle for you. I loved you so dearly but you really showed your true colors the way you ended it. I thought I wouldn't love anymore. Because you did exactly what I told you every guy I've ever dated has done to me. After I told you that, and you promised you would never do such a thing. I'm still mad. But there's always someone better.
And I've already found him.