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This is a bunch of emotions, thoughts, ideas... all random to a reader I suppose. Been feeling this odd emotion. I don't think there's a word to describe it. I am in awe that God is helping me overcome my ED. I am at the same time reminiscent and feel like crying out of not happiness nor sadness. Maybe it's just the awe towards life that makes me want to cry. I once wanted to kill myself, I once thought I was a burden, I once thought there was nothing good to come in my future. But, my mind can actually do a lot. It can overcome eating disorders, depression, and my past troubles. I know God is helping me with my problems, but I had to decide I wanted to get better and fight to start healing. And healing from addictive life patterns hurts for awhile until you get used to no longer using those addictions to cope with life. It still hurts. It was really bad yesterday, but I distracted myself and fought. I also feel like crying, perhaps because I have been fighting this war so long and I am relieved that I now have more control. The upper hand. I feel as if there is suddenly this hope that I have not had for years. I feel like doing something amazing. I am passionate about my hobbies and learning what I like and want to do something amazing with those one day. I am in the process of that now.
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