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tried to die because im like my uncle
1 month ago · · Self-Harm, · Explicit
my uncle sexually abused me for years. got really fucking traumatized from that, too tired to get into it. anyway, one of my greatest fears is turning into him.
so me and my girlfriend were hanging out, messaging each other. she sends me some vms of her moaning, so of course i get riled up. we do this thing like sexting, but instead of sex it's just making out. we refuse to go past that line. anyway, she teases me more, taunts me and shit so i start kind of rough. i ask her if it's okay and she says yes, so i continue. im gonna spare you the details. anyway, i asked her how it was after and she admitted at the start she was afraid and wasnt sure if she wanted it, that she sent those vms as a joke and just wanted to embarrass me. she tried to reassure me though, told me that she had a lot of fun in the end. i wasn't having any of it. so we simultaneously break down, for obvious reasons. her because she just went through that shit i put her through, and me because im faced with the fact that im just exactly like my uncle.
she said she forgives me, that she's sorry for not being more clear and not saying no the first time, but i think that's stupid. it's on me. i should've double checked, been more clear about what was going to happen, start slower.
while talking to her i stumbled out of bed, was going to go downstairs to overdose on my antidepressants when i remembered my cat. so i just crumpled by the side of my bed and cried. tried to light a match, burn myself or something, it never lit. scratched my shoulder raw instead, a self harm tactic i havent done in months. i didnt tell her any of this though, shes already going through so much shit including this thing i put her through. why the fuck would i tell her.
shes upset i wont tell her shit. but fucking hell, im just like my uncle. dont think we should ever text like that ever again. i wish she got mad, broke up with me, something instead of forgiving me. i dont deserve it. i dont.