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Um so I'm a people pleaser and I need to stop. It's exhausting but I can't let go of that need to be accepted by everyone my teachers, friends, family, and even people I just happen to pass by. I subconsciously and consciously change myself for people and I don't know who I am anymore or if I would have any friends if I was myself. I'm scared I'm a bad person and I'm scared I'm not being normal like everyone else. The other day I got a disappointed look from someone I didn't even know too well. It hurt so so so so much it sent me spiraling. I was trying my best to do something and I became anxious and I tried to explain that I was very nervous but the man just looked at me so judgementally I'm surprised I didn't cry. I hate sticking out and messing up like that when I open up I always realize that nobody else has the same problem as me and it feels so lonely because nobody understands and I was sure they would but they don't wow I feel like I'm defective. Now they might think I'm weird I want to hide alone and I don't want to make any friends and other people are better off without my friendship because I always disappoint. I feel so stupid again and again and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'm extremely awkward and I just want to feel normal but I'm not and I'm sick of pretending but I can't stop.
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this is my second time writing this and it will be shorter, i was in a deep paragraph but i clicked out of the page and it wiped my work. what i was saying though, i am also a people pleaser and all i want is to feel important to one person that's all i want. to have one person care as much as you do for so many others. to be able to let go and lean on someone else for even a split second. i give and give and give without expecting things from others as it should be but the feeling of giving so much comes with a loss strangely enough but its the only thing i know. talking and speaking up about how you feel still doesn't do it justice because then it feels bad and lie its a pity for then to give to you after venting about it. knowing that no one thinks about you as not their ONE special person but just being able to be in the small circle of spacial people would feel a lot better. i get how you feel and im still trying to figure it out but the first step is stepping away and just loving yourself, not just that but then becoming obsessed
Replyawh :c
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