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cant touch her anymore. i still think im like my uncle
1 month ago · · Relationships, · Explicit
hi again. i wrote "my ptsd is preventing me from enjoying normal things and i wish my uncle was dead" and "tried to die because im like my uncle" which can be found under the ptsd and relationships tags respectively if you want more context.
a little background if you havent/dont want to read those. basically, my uncle sexually assaulted me for 9 years from the ages of 5 to 14 which majorly traumatized me. i have a girlfriend, and while we've been friends for a while we got together mid pandemic, so all our communication during the relationship has been online. physical touch is my love language, so we got into this habit of messaging each other as if we were right next to each other, sending hugs and kisses often. this made the physical affection seem very real. two (?) nights ago i crossed a line and fucked up really bad. communication was shit, and its my fault for not double checking.
ever since then ive been avoiding touching her at all, even just hugs. my hands feel like poison, like they'll burn her the same way my uncle's hands burned me. i got rid of anything on my phone remotely horny, only touching when she asks, asking for permission to reciprocate anything. she told me she feels like there's been a wall between us, but god what can i do. thinking about doing anything without her permission even if its just holding hands makes me want to vomit, and i tried to explain this to her, to give me some time to get rid of the entire feeling of being my uncle but just. fuck. i don't want to be like him. there's this buzzing static in my head that keeps me up at night and makes everything i touch feel *wrong* and prickly.
we keep arguing about it, about how neither of us feels loved. so im trying to break that wall i set up but it fucking feels awful. it feels like my skin is burning, on the verge of a panic attack and i just want to cry and sleep forever but fuck shes feeling so bad and its be so selfish of me to just. not. try. and this may sound stupid to you because "isn't this just texts" but it feels so real to me. to us.
i feel so empty. like a puppet, just giving hugs and kisses because hey that's what good partners do right. fuck. i broke my self-harm free streak too. was clean for a few months. fucking hell. im so tired. im so tired.