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He was my world...but things just keep falling apart. I just keep losing myself. I keep telling myself it's for my own good. Like what he is telling me...It's for my own good. But he never forgives. He always punish. His words are always swords pointed at me. He say it's to make me a better person. He wants to erase "me" completely. Built me in his image. I'm too lazy. I'm too stupid. I don't use common sense. I'm too weak. I make bad decisions. He tells me he just wants to make me stronger. Make me better. He's just "fixing" me, because he wants me better than him.
Maybe if I was a solider, I would listen better and do as I'm told. Maybe if there were no love involve, I wouldn't feel so abused. Maybe if I was a robot, I could reprogrammed myself to exactly how he wants me. Flawless and the perfect image of his rules and will.
Sometimes I wonder why he accepted me into his life. Why he choose me as his life long partner? Is just to control me? Or is he geniunely trying to help me become a better person. I admit. I have a lot of flaws. I've made wrong decisions in the past. However, none of his words have any encourgement nor love. He calls it tough love, but I feel otherwise. The only words that comes out from him now, is "Shut up! You're dumb. You're stupid. You have no common sense. Don't even think. Just let me do all the thinking for you." Maybe they are just words of anger? What I said to him is not so pretty either. My opinion is never heard nor will it ever be heard..at least that is how I fee.
I'm tired...just so tired of living up to his expectations on a daily basis. If I just happened to be myself a little...just a little. It is a punishment for me. If I failed to follow his rule, it is a punishment for me. If I talk back to him while we argue, it is a punishement for me. Either I'm really stupid or really do love him, because I'm still here. With him.
Dear God, if you are truly out there. Please hear my prayers and give me the strength to find the light in my moment of darkness, because I feel I am slipping everyday.
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Leave him. Best thing u could do for ur own good. He has manipulated u so much u dont even leave him after all those things. If u want live a happy life longterm leave him there are men that will make u feel like ure worth it, he for sure doesnt. So leave!..
ReplyHey, I know this might be hard to hear, but this is no tough love.
Tough love is pointing out something going in a direction of hurt, letting you know although that truth might hurt, it might be hindering someone from hurting themselves or someone else.
This is abuse.
You are imperfect, but he is too. His reality is not law or right, it's his opinion. No partner should fix you, because that's something you should do as you wish to change. Forcing change causes pain, and he has no right to change you.
You are a person! Not a machine to be owned or toyed with to his will.
Please, if you take anything from this. This is no relationship, this is ownership of you. Your partner is your partner, not your owner. They're your best friend in life, not your parent.
I hope you try to get away, because this is possession, not love. And what you feel should not be stronger than your will to live, to survive and exist. He's trying to kill what is "you", and he has no right to kill "you" because "you" deserve to exist as is.
You deserve to be you! You are enough, you are just as imperfect as anyone else.
Would you mind keeping me informed, to know that you are alright? Even if you just want to talk.
ReplyToo many times I have read that people in your situation just can't seem to find a way to exit the situation. Hopefully there are no children involved.
Others have commented that you should leave him; discuss this with your religious leaders in private. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
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