What are you looking for?
Is It Love? Or plain Stupidity?
1 month ago · · Marital Stress,
He was my world...but things just keep falling apart. I just keep losing myself. I keep telling myself it's for my own good. Like what he is telling me...It's for my own good. But he never forgives. He always punish. His words are always swords pointed at me. He say it's to make me a better person. He wants to erase "me" completely. Built me in his image. I'm too lazy. I'm too stupid. I don't use common sense. I'm too weak. I make bad decisions. He tells me he just wants to make me stronger. Make me better. He's just "fixing" me, because he wants me better than him.
Maybe if I was a solider, I would listen better and do as I'm told. Maybe if there were no love involve, I wouldn't feel so abused. Maybe if I was a robot, I could reprogrammed myself to exactly how he wants me. Flawless and the perfect image of his rules and will.
Sometimes I wonder why he accepted me into his life. Why he choose me as his life long partner? Is just to control me? Or is he geniunely trying to help me become a better person. I admit. I have a lot of flaws. I've made wrong decisions in the past. However, none of his words have any encourgement nor love. He calls it tough love, but I feel otherwise. The only words that comes out from him now, is "Shut up! You're dumb. You're stupid. You have no common sense. Don't even think. Just let me do all the thinking for you." Maybe they are just words of anger? What I said to him is not so pretty either. My opinion is never heard nor will it ever be heard..at least that is how I fee.
I'm tired...just so tired of living up to his expectations on a daily basis. If I just happened to be myself a little...just a little. It is a punishment for me. If I failed to follow his rule, it is a punishment for me. If I talk back to him while we argue, it is a punishement for me. Either I'm really stupid or really do love him, because I'm still here. With him.
Dear God, if you are truly out there. Please hear my prayers and give me the strength to find the light in my moment of darkness, because I feel I am slipping everyday.