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To put into word how I feel is one of the hardest things someone has ever asked me to do.
I have spent my life holding it in, pushing it aside, saving it for another time or another day.
But what happens when the feelings you are trying to keep in spill out all over the place? How do you explain to people that even though you are saying the worlds worst things you really don’t mean it?
For the past 14month 9 days and 12 hours I have been in incredible and constant pain. I have been diagnosed with a disease that no one really understands and the way they treat it is with anti-depressants, talking and exercise. But how do you tell your body that even though it is in pain that it has to keep going.
I have been writing my diary of a depressed girl in the moments I couldn’t sleep or breathe or think. In the moments when all seems lost and my heart is about to jump out of my chest and break free. Why can I not figure out how to live when all I am feeling is like crashing down.
I have tried I have worked on my feelings and talking about working through life’s “daily struggles” I have tried being open with my family and friends but I feel more alone than I ever have. Am I just destined to never be completely connected to the world?
Even as I write this, I know that I am loved and I know that I love myself, I know and believe with my whole heart that I am more than enough and I will never truly be alone but when my anxiety hits and when all I want to do is cry it is hard to find the happiness that people keep telling me about.
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I too experience an existential dread akin to your description; describing it for others shares semblance to relaying visuals by vocal communication with static. I attempt to experience joy like others, all I can do is feel the residual "Warmth" from encounters. What gives me peace in anxiety in recent events was learned in my nightmares: Let the waves roll as they will, harness their energy; there is power available to use as you see fit. You are indeed loved, you are not alone in your journey, and we love you *hug* ❤
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