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My Timed Entry
1 month ago · · Anxiety,
To put into word how I feel is one of the hardest things someone has ever asked me to do.
I have spent my life holding it in, pushing it aside, saving it for another time or another day.
But what happens when the feelings you are trying to keep in spill out all over the place? How do you explain to people that even though you are saying the worlds worst things you really don’t mean it?
For the past 14month 9 days and 12 hours I have been in incredible and constant pain. I have been diagnosed with a disease that no one really understands and the way they treat it is with anti-depressants, talking and exercise. But how do you tell your body that even though it is in pain that it has to keep going.
I have been writing my diary of a depressed girl in the moments I couldn’t sleep or breathe or think. In the moments when all seems lost and my heart is about to jump out of my chest and break free. Why can I not figure out how to live when all I am feeling is like crashing down.
I have tried I have worked on my feelings and talking about working through life’s “daily struggles” I have tried being open with my family and friends but I feel more alone than I ever have. Am I just destined to never be completely connected to the world?
Even as I write this, I know that I am loved and I know that I love myself, I know and believe with my whole heart that I am more than enough and I will never truly be alone but when my anxiety hits and when all I want to do is cry it is hard to find the happiness that people keep telling me about.
Some days I seem to wake up happy but it quickly turns into a challenge of trying to figure out how to breathe. I tell myself it is ok to not be ok, if you can't talk just breathe and the next breath will be better. The next moment in time my heart skips a beat and it all goes down hill from there.
Each day will be better, Each breathe better then the last, Each hour better then the last second. I will take each moment as it comes.