What are you looking for?
I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this...
1 month ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I haven’t felt this low in a long time. I feel robbed of every ounce of love and support. I have no one to talk to. I know my sister loves me. But I don’t feel it. I don’t know how to feel loved anymore. I don’t like people touching me or showing me affection because it hurts and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t have a home. I don’t have anywhere I belong. Nobody seems to want me for me. I miss my friends. I have no one out here. I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I feel blindsided constantly. I feel as if when I get a little ahead, I get pushed back a mile and I can never be successful or catch up. Maybe I’m not worthy of anything. Maybe I’m not meant to be around. Maybe if I just disappeared then I can just be at peace. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of being beat up and pushed down over and over and over and over again. It has never stopped.
Is it a bad thing to want to be comfortable? To not have to worry constantly. To not constantly get physically sick when I get nervous. To not constantly live in fear. To not constantly disappoint everyone. To not be a failure. To not be the fuckup. To not feel a constant throbbing, deep pain in your chest that goes to your gut and feels like you’re getting pulverized by a meat tenderizer.
Is it so bad that I wish I were dead? Is it so bad that I know that if I were dead, these things would go away and I would feel peace and joy and warmth.
I am broken.
I washed the dishes tonight. I stared at that chef’s knife for a good thirty seconds. I didn’t do anything. I thought about it. For a moment it seemed like a nice thought. Just peace. But then I thought that everyone would just be mad at me more if I did anything like that while my sister is pregnant.
I just don’t wanna wake up in the morning. I pray that I have some brain aneurism and it ruptures and I never wake up. Freedom. Peace.
Hopefully, no one finds this. Hopefully I don’t do anything stupid. But if I do...this isn’t a suicide note. These words are feelings I’ve had for my whole life. This is all I feel all the time. I have no one to talk to so this is the next best thing. Like I said, I don’t have anyone really. People say they love me and I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t know how to feel anyone’s love. I’m not saying that I don’t love. I’m saying that I don’t feel loved and I don’t know how to feel loved. So I think this constant pain in my chest is just my heart continuously breaking. The worst part is...I starting to not know how to love myself anymore. My own disappointment in myself is my failure. I feel worthless and not good enough because I’m not. I’m never enough for anyone. Pretty soon I won’t be enough for myself...