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1 month ago ·
When I was young I had this favorite pairs of shoes, I loved these shoes but they had creases in them so I never wore them to school, I was afraid I would be judge I was scared they would see and laugh and stare and hate and make fun of so I never wore them. You see, as I was growing up I’ve been judged criticized made fun of and targeted to the point that in Highschool I did everything I could to not stand out.I remember a day so clearly, when I found some cute clothes got my favorite shoes and I looked in the mirror and I liked what I saw but it was too flashy I looked like some rich girl with money I looked like I had everything when in reality I had nothing so I took the clothes off and put on something dry and something that looked like me. In school people judge they stare they see you not for who you are but for who they want you to be.Back than I thought they was right, im ugly my teeth too big my shoes too ugly my skin different colors my hair too short my eyebrows too bushy my feet too big, my eyes too baggy. Than my only hope arrived, a pandemic, during the pandemic we had to wear mask and I was happy my teeth was covered the only thing they could see was my eyes so I tried my best to fixed them I would buy stuff online so I can get rid of my bags quick I would make sure my hair stayed done even though all I could wear was wigs because I had a hair disease, but they didn’t know that and they didn’t care.Back than my friend introduced me to a guy he was pretty cool and we hit it off I thought I liked him so I thought about meeting him but this guy only saw me online he only saw me through the filters he never saw me for me so what if when we meet in person he don’t like what he see, what if he’s disgusted that I tricked him im not who I say I am im just a girl who hides behind filters im just a catfish and he was going to find out, NO! not on my watch, I begin to distance myself from him I didn’t like him that much anyway so it won’t hurt me it won’t hurt him ether since he has a lot of friends and a lot of girls in his dm’s. As I wore the mask as I tried to fix myself I thought came to my head, “eventually these mask are going to have to come off, and when they do what can I do” nothing I had no money I got a job but had no car I tried relying on people but they on there on time not anyone’s else's, of course I tried getting braces but It’s hard when your family is poor and your just getting by on scraps and change, I had no dad so I cant rely on him and my mom was too busy trying to take care of my younger siblings so what can I do besides suffer.Back than I really wanted an iphone my younger sister had one but all I had was an android that was off , I got a job but because I wanted something new and bought from a real phone store I never though of going to amazon which I really wish I did because if I did I wouldn’t had to suffer and cry so much. To me back than I was worthless, useless, ugly, dumb, a waste of space, waste of oxygen, I wanted to die, but stupid me stupid ,stupid me I wanted to die but couldn’t even bring myself to kill me, I was sad all the freaking time, I had no friends, I had no one to talk to no one to confide in, and if I tell my family they just think im overreacting , I was alone I hated myself. During that time the only thing that I could think of that may be able to fix me or help me was love, but who, who would love me who would accept all of me, who. I prayed I begged and weeped all I needed was love but there was no one to love or love me so eventually I gave up, and I stayed alone, I even picked up and unexpected habit, something I looked down upon,something I hated, something I wished never existed, I began smoking, and I loved it, the high that take the pain away, but that’s not the only thing I loved about it,you see once I got to a certain amount of high theres a point where the world becomes silent my heart beats slower than normal and my stomach feels like its gonna cave in, during this i Iay on the ground look up at the sky,close my eyes and I feel alive more alive than I ever been I feel as if all my troubles gone away I feel as if I was dead, of course it doesn’t last too long and eventually i have to snap back in realty, I became addicted I tried to stop so many times but I can’t if I stop ill hurt, my heart will shatter the little pieces that’s left will be gone I can’’t I can’t I cant’ I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t ill die,I can’t die than ill suffer, suffer suffer suffer suffer suffer and suffer I’lll await till my life end ill wish for It to end knowing im afraid to kill myself but what other choice do I have. Help I’m drowing…