What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I’m not sure where to start with this, but I think I’ve got a lot to cover and hope it won’t be too long, sorry if it is.
TLDR; I had my first kiss and didn’t like and am now very confused with my sexuality.
Random context, I’m a 17-year-old female.
I’ve only been really looking into this for a couple of months, because of a situation that happened a few months ago. I had my first kiss, and I didn’t really enjoy it. It wasn’t like I hated it, but I definitely didn’t like it. It felt really slimy and gross, but I kind of just let it happen he obviously enjoyed it and I was too scared to say anything really. I thought to myself, that, because it was my first one, I would just get used to it over time, but for the rest of the night, and 3 make out sessions later, I still wasn’t a fan. When I eventually got home after the date, I was up till 4 am just being confused and feeling really bad. I felt like something was wrong with me, because I didn’t enjoy it. The guy (we are currently dating now while I figure myself out) clearly seemed to enjoy it a lot, and I always thought I would enjoy it too, but I just didn’t and I couldn’t figure out why.
I’ve known about asexuality for a long time, but never gave it much thought because I was sure I wasn’t ace. I identified as pansexual for a while because I’ve had a ton of crushes before. The majority were on guys, but a few smaller ones on girls, but felt more like I was attracted to personalities rather than gender, and I think I’d be completely fine being with anyone of any gender, so pan is what I went with. And that’s also why I was convinced I wasn’t ace. I get crushes on people ridiculously easy, so I’ve had a ton of crushes over the years I’ve been in school and whatnot. I love romance movies and books and was always looking forward to the day where I meet “the one”. I was looking forward to my first boy/girlfriend, first kiss, and eventually, first time having sex. It wasn’t uncommon for me to imagine scenarios about me and my crush having my first kiss or making out other things. And I still do honestly.
But I’ve been hearing a lot of stories about like, “how I knew I was asexual” and they are all stories about people who have never had crushes or never think about these things, and it’s the complete opposite of me almost. If I think about sex now, the more I think about it, the more I think I don’t want it. I feel like in the past I just wanted it because it was expected, or it was the natural path in life, and never gave it much thought. But now that I’m questioning all this it’s just becoming more apparent how I actually feel?
Another thing about me is that I’m just a super awkward person. I deal with pretty severe social anxiety, so I’m just really shy overall. I’ve had a boyfriend before but we ended up breaking up because I never liked being super touchy. He wanted to hold hands and hug and pick me up, and he tried to kiss me a few times but I always turned away. I kind of blamed it on nerves and being an awkward 14 years old in her first relationship. But I look back on it and think and see similarities to the present. I still don’t really like touchy stuff, but my current boyfriend does, a lot, and I don’t hate it, so I go along with whatever he wants most of the time and I’ve learned to be fine with it. (to be clear, he always asks and he doesn’t pressure me into anything, I’m fine with everything).
And I still love romance books and movies and things. I love the cure romantic scenes where they confess and kiss or whatever, and 99% of the books I’ve read were teen romance/drama and I love all of them. And when I look at people, I can find them attractive or at least appreciate a nice-looking guy or girl. Though I feel like it’s more aesthetic attraction than sexual or romantic, though I definitely feel romantic attraction to certain people. And I watch porn and masturbate, admittedly not as often as I think other do? (I do maybe like once a week at most, usually less)
I know about asexual vs aromantic. I’m confident I’m not aromantic, it’s the asexual I’m questioning. I can’t tell if I’m panromantic asexual, or just a really awkward pansexual. I'm really curious as to if any asexuals have had situations similar to mine, because that would make me more confident in labeling myself as asexual vs awkward pansexual.
Thank you for your time, I know it was kind of long..
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
"For the very first time there I see, someone with the same pains...
- Watashi no R/My R I just read a post on here about someone in the closet but not wanting their classmates to find out because bullies. I have never in my...
-
(repost since nobody saw it) I need advice again
I'd happily date a woman or man or anyone really, but when it comes to nsfw loving with a woman or anyone with female parts, I cannot see myself doing that, the...
There needs to be a new word that describes people like this because I'm one also. "Awkward pansexual" sounds pretty accurate, but it also carries sort of a negative connotation that YOU are the problem, and I don't think that's true. Maybe it's just that you have very specific tastes.
My first kiss was such a disaster I also questioned my entire sexuality over it. But like you said, if you're a romantic at heart, enjoying romantic novels, films and even music, then it tells me the problem is not you. It's just that you haven't found the right person to unlock that romance.
Keep an eye out, and don't give up. It may take years before you meet someone who gels with your idea of romance. In the meantime, there's no hurry right? Tons of great books and movies and music to keep us satisfied <3
ReplyThank you so mcuh for your reply and support :) I think you make a lot of sense and it honestly helped me a lot and cleared my head a little so I really appreciate it
Reply