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I was only a child
2 months ago · · abuse,
The earliest memory of this goes back to when I was around 7 years old. It's funny how I don't even remember when it was happening to me, as clear as this time.
I was lying in my bed when my mom tore into my room. She clicked on the lights and growled my sister's name. I can't quite recall what the argument was over, just that it came down to my sister had lied to my mom. A small lie. That's all it took. The light was really bright on my face. So bright that I wanted to pull my blanket over my head, but I was so terrified of my mom or my sister knowing that I was awake, that I closed my eyes as tight as I could trying to stay dead still.
I remember hearing lots of cries. I'm not sure where my dad was at the time. Usually he would be the one to stop it if he was around. Not that time. My mom had thrown my sister's clothes out of our dresser and all across the room. She was screaming in her face. Had my sister pinned to the ground, barely able to breathe. Yet, I did nothing. If anything I worked even harder to stay still.
Every once in a while the cries from less than 5 feet away would calm a little. But that was just out of terror. For what felt like eternity. My mom would scream about lies and how she felt betrayed. All while attacking my sister in front of me. Trying to keep her under control or was it trying to release her anger? I remember shaking because I was so terrified.
I cried myself to sleep most nights as a child. The guilt I had for not being able to protect my sister who was 5 years older than me, was overwhelming. The pain I felt for not standing up for her, for not doing anything. I wasn't a depressed child though. Optimistic even. Things got better as I grew up but I know that if I'd been just a little older, I would've called the police. I would've saved myself, my sister, and my family, so much pain.
My mom has never apologized. I don't even know if she feels remorse. Sometimes, I can barely look at her. I have flashbacks to her pinning my sister on the ground and hitting her over and over again. Rarely, do I have them of her hitting me.