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please read i need advice & to know im not alone in thinking like this
3 years ago · 1 · Need Advice ASAP, +5
486
I'm suffocating as im trapped in the thought of being alive, i can't breathe or move under the stress or the pressure of this broken society.i feel like i'm enough then the next minute i feel worthless. I feel so loved then the next minute i feel unlovable. I feel like i have my life going at a steady pace in a favourable direction, then before i know it, my life will be falling to pieces. I cant keep up with my emotions and i feel like my happiness is trying to evade me, whats wrong with me? Why aren't i enough?
I look in the mirror and i've been everyone, im so lost and i don't know who i am anymore
Am i kind or rude
I try to be the first one but since i started shutting everyone out i don't know how well thats going
When people say lifes like a rollercoaster i always thought it was because you had ups and downs but thats not it its because theres always a possibility that the rollercoaster is unstable and that at any moment it could brake, even if your at the top, you can fall and plummet.
But death doesnt scare me anymore the feeling of leaving my family behind does and the idea that im sacrificing a whole new world and future with myself and him.But how am i supposed to cope when all i feel is pain and numbness, how am i meant to know when im really happy, because ive been faking my smiles for years now i cant tell when the last time i actually smiled and meant it is
Protests in the streets are happening now, standing up for women rights but how am i meant to attend that if i cant deal with the thought of myself being okay, i cant protest for the saftey of us woman if i dont care for the safety of myself
The thought of me being truly happy is a torturous nightmare to me, a cruel fantasy world which i yearn for so deeply sometimes i even think ive grasped it but it slips out of my fingers like sand.
People say lifes too short but for people like me its too long & to keep me alive is is more cruel than killing me . i feel alone and unwanted i feel people see me but dont really know im there, i dont blame them i am unfamiliar
A stranger to myself
I want to die i want to end the pain and misery which distracts me all day
i want to let people know who i am but everytime i do,
i forget who i am and i get lost in the character im meant to be playing.
Every moment i spend in silence is another moment feel like im screaming mentally to everyone around me that im not okay and i dont want to be here
yet its him , He holds me tight but not in fear that id fall in fear that hed be replaced, i try tell him that this worry is misplaced but to no luck im on my own, i tell him its just him and he worries more. This future we have built in our heads keeps me sane . but the pain it brings me when he thinks that there could ever be anyone els for me is sometimes too much i want to shake him until it makes sense and i want to hold him until he can see the honesty in my eyes, this man has always and will always be the love of my life, i just hope he realises that soon as it only pains me to see him pained by the deluded thought
Yet this person that can hold me together, ive built my world up around them they are part of me but they are my happiness, i don't think he sees the pain in my eyes when i smile and say im okay i want him to see it yet i know without hesitation id easily die before i told him how i actually felt because that is my pain alone, not for sharing, i will take the hits and whatever comes our way as long as hes shielded from the pain, the pain i feel is inescapable but even if i can put his mind at ease i =n the slightest im there id do anything and id be anything for him.
Im lifeless and simply a puppet to nature demands i know not of what nature has intended for me but i feel warmed by the fact that this man will be in my life beyond death, for love is more powerfull than anything, it trumps; money, death, pain, remorce and freedom. yet even with this knowledge the numbness still engulfs me with pain, worry and confusion
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I hear you. You want to go out there and make a difference, you can, but in no way are you obliged to do that. Understand that you alone don't hold the burden of improving the society. However, you have power over yourself to improve.
How long have you been in pain? Years? If so, think of what's causing this pain, and what have you gained from it. If you decide you have gained nothing from it, then maybe it's time to let it go.
However, if you realize you seek to gain from the pain ( comfort, acceptance from others), know that no person can be with you all your life, but "you". The nerves that feel
& tell you that you're head hurts or your heart aches, those nerves aren't connected to anyone else. So how are they supposed to feel your pain? I mean the most others can do is try. and then again, to try to feel someone's pain is not easy. So if someone does try to understand, it's probably best to be more thankful than expectant. He can't read your mind now, can he? Pardon others for their limits of understanding. And depend on the Higher Power (no matter your religion) and then your self for your happiness, among other things. You are valuable. You are worth it as much as any human being.
P.s. you write beautifully too.
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