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I'm 15 and I met my boyfriend online we're a LDR. We haven't met because of covid but we've been together for a year and a couple months. I cheated on him by sending pics to other guys who were mostly 17-28 and just flirted online with a few guys I didn't think we'd last long. This went on for about 6 months into our relationship (horrible I know.) Eventually I dropped everyone and felt horrible guilt and told him everything. I clearly wasn't ready for a relationship but I led him on. He forgave me but I still blame myself every day for hurting him. For the past day or two I've felt more distant like I just want to be left alone and I hate myself for feeling this way. Part of me feels like since like guilty and then the other half wants physical contact (like hugs.) We face time often and we talk every day but I still feel he deserves someone better (because he does.) But he still doesn't want to leave. I try to forgive myself and tell myself most of the guys harassed me but it doesn't make me feel any less horrible. I just don't know what to do I want physical contact but I'd never leave him for that. I love his personality and I love talking to him I'm not staying with him because of guilt but for the past few days I've just wanted someone that I can hold.
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Everything that society tells us to expect from love is usually a toxic idea. If you're lucky your parents taught you less truth than falsehood about love. But if you're normal, they probably didn't even know enough to teach you anything. Maybe you and he are just on different pages mentally. If so, communicate more. But it could be hundreds of other things. You might be polyamorous and not even know it and just be shaming yourself because the world you were raised in taught you to be and think in a certain way. But here's a big point to make about forgiving yourself: it's not real self forgiveness if you're just readjusting your focus to look at how not your fault it is. Real self forgiveness comes when you can say that a thing is your fault (to a healthy and reasonable degree of course.), and saying that causes no pain or hurt to emerge within you. This is because forgiveness is not about blame or excuses. Real forgiveness is about empathy, sympathy, acceptance, and being understanding. So focusing on saying that you only did it because they harassed you will actually just make you feel worse, because it allows you to avoid truly accepting and forgiving yourself.
ReplyDont feel guilty. i understand what's going on and i have been through the same. 15 is a age full of mood swings and if you can't handle, better to start everything a new.
My story:
When i was 13 I dated a guy who was a playboy. i used to send him pictures and he used to give comments on them which used to make me feel good abut my self. He made me self conscious e.g. how i look, how i should dress, etc as a new teenage girl i used to think it was alright but after na year i started dating one of his friend and flirted with two other guys. I never felt guilt because he was of same but i used to get angry as he used to do sexting with other girls. When i was starting my 15 i broke up with him and his friend, i stopped flirting and wanted to start everything new.
Now at the age of 18 i finally think i took the right decision that time. Tho it hurt for quite a long time but i dint deserve them. His friend deserved better he was a nice guy and i didn't deserve him because i was not the type of girl he wanted.
Everything fades away with time and becomes normal this is life. The older you grow the more you will understand better. Being a new adult now also i make poor choices for that reason i am here, feeling alone in this world, sharing my life being an anonymous :)
Hope this helps you take right decision in life!!
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