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I Don't Know If I Should Share This Non-anonymously Yet, So I'm Starting Here...
1 month ago · · Myself, · Explicit
I have told this story to a lot of people who I trusted. Some standing by me no matter what and some choosing to turn away and cut ties with me completely. It's honestly gotten a bit easier to talk about this with every person I've told this story to. I desperately want to share it with others that aren't a part of my tight circle of loved ones, but I'm having a tough time deciding how to come out and say it. I figured it would be good practice to post it here and maybe get some advice on how else to go about this. So sorry in advance for the really long read, but I don't know how else to shorten it.
I want to start off by saying that I will be using this guy's real first name. People who know who I'm talking about are free to have their own opinions on this guy even after reading my story. The reason I don't want to use a fake or stand-in name is because I feel as though this guy doesn't deserve to have that kind of privacy considering all the things he's done to me. I want him to take responsibility for his actions instead of downplaying it or turning into something else. I was mentally abused, emotionally manipulated, and sexually assaulted by my middle school boyfriend, Martin. A lot of people would say that I was way too young to be dating, and in a sense, that is true. Having a relationship at 14 may seem too rushed or immature. My relationship lasted for 2 years. I met him in 6th grade, we started dating in 7th after being seated next to each other and getting to know one another, and then broke up before high school. I'd say that the beginning of that relationship was everything I could've hoped, which was pretty much the same as any other boy-crazy teenage girl. The whole honeymoon phase, the puppy love, holding hands and cute hugs, the first kiss, and wearing his hoodie, basically stuff like that. Then, he ended up asking one particular question. "Are you dirty-minded?" I didn't see the harm in answering honestly. We were both in that phase of almost every kid's life, puberty and an awkward understanding of how the birds and bees work. I answered, "You know how my friends are. They make jokes about that kind of stuff. I'm pretty sure I know a couple things." He then proceeded to ask me about sex, porn, talking dirty, sending nude pictures, phone sex, and a bunch of other perverted things. Again, I didn't see the harm in answering honestly to his questions, but I never brought up the fact that was getting uncomfortable. This whole situation was new to me and I had no idea how to handle it. At some point he asked me to take pictures of myself and send them to him. He asked if I could download and watch porn. He even asked if we could try phone sex and talking dirty to each other. Keep in mind this was all coming from a 14 year old boy. I was so convinced that this was what love was, and that by doing those things, it would make him happy, meaning I would be happy too. As unsure as I was, I felt obligated to say yes to him. I did everything he wanted me to do. Eventually, he took me to a corner of the school where the cameras couldn't see us. He touched me and convinced me to give him head. This went on for so long. Almost everyday, if I didn't have any meetings or extra curricular activities, we would sneak off to a secluded area of the school or go to a hidden area of the nearby park we would walk to after school to do the same thing. And almost every night he would message me, wanting to send dirty texts or have phone sex. I won't lie and say that my body didn't feel pleasured by all of this, but I also won't leave out the thought of how uncomfortable I was and how guilty I felt about it afterwards. I tried to convince myself that everything was fine and that making him happy was all that I wanted. I tried to tell myself that I felt good too despite the fact that everything we were doing felt incredibly wrong. One day, he took me to a different part of the school. It was near the abandoned classrooms, behind the building, the school fence lined with trees blocking the view of the road, and no cameras. We planned to use my National Junior Honor Society hall pass and a pass he had gotten from one of his teachers to get through the courtyard gate, past the main buildings, and then sneak over to the spot without being seen by any of the school aides. Since the beginning of the day, I was super nervous, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just agreed went with whatever the plan was because that's what he wanted. I was scared of making him angry because every time I would say that I wasn't in the mood or didn't do what he said, he threatened to break up with me. It sounds silly, but this was my first ever relationship, and I was convinced that I would never be happy without him. He took advantage of this fact and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt trapped, but I tried telling myself that things would be better soon as long as I just went along with it. It didn't matter how bad I felt, it only mattered that Martin was happy with me. Once we got to the spot, he put his jacket on the gravel for me to lay on in hopes it would make it more comfortable for me. I was on the last day of my period, but that didn't matter to him. I laid on the ground and he got on top of me. Without any protection, he trusted into me. He didn't finish because I told him my back was hurting. But that didn't stop him from making me feel bad for cutting things so short, so I gave him head until he came.
For the longest time, I had always blamed myself for giving consent to having sex with him on that day. Even though I said yes to him, I still couldn't shake the feeling that what we were doing was wrong. I felt so much shame and pain in my heart. "I thought this was what would make our relationship much better. That's what he told me. Why do I feel so terrible about this? What are we doing? This shouldn't be happening. This has to stop. Why can't I tell him to stop?" This was one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. I felt so powerless, so horrible, like I had lost a big part of myself. Martin didn't seem to understand how hurt I was and things only got worse. He called me his "wife," had this weird obsession of wanting to impregnate me, had another weird obsession of wanting me to fulfill all his porn-inspired fantasies (incest, threesomes/orgies, teacher and student, putting things inside me that shouldn't be inside me in the first place), humiliated me whenever I argued with him, became jealous when I talked to my guy friends or even helped male classmates, and ignored me whenever I brought up how uncomfortable I was until I eventually would give in and do what he wanted. All of this was extremely overwhelming and I felt more and more like I was nothing to him but a toy or a puppet. You might be asking why I couldn't just confront him and leave. Well, he had photos and videos of me that he could easily release publicly, he convinced me that I didn't need anybody else but him, and I had no idea what to do if I actually were to leave. It was a stockholm syndrome type of thing. I felt worthless to everybody, I cared more about his needs than mine, and I was beginning to hate the person that I had become. I brought up these feelings to him, and wouldn't you believe it, it was like he was the same boy that I knew from the beginning of our relationship. He did everything he could to make me feel like he was truly sorry and gave me every reason not to disappear forever. This, however, didn't last long. As soon as I started feeling better, he asked to be repayed. It was back to the same, terrible actions and treatment. I tried confronting him about it, but he did a 180 on me and accused me of "just making excuses," and proceeded to use the same "tactic" to get me to do things for him. In order to talk him off the edge, I had to stop thinking about myself and give him the attention he so desperately needed. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make things easier for me except to just agree with him and pleasure him. I was a husk of who I originally was. I couldn't focus in school, I couldn't tell my friends or family the truth, I couldn't put up a fight. There were days were I couldn't even be bothered to do what Martin wanted, and of course that made him upset. But his threats of wanting to die or leaving me didn't have the same effect and he would just give up and leave me alone. It was weird because I still had some feelings for him, and I just wanted to go back to how things were before he ever asked that question. I still believed that things would get better with our relationship and I just had to wait. I was planning on going to the same high school as him, getting to do other things couples would do other than sex, start over and live happier with him. But one night, I woke up at around 2am. I had a weird gut feeling that something was wrong. I opened my messenger and saw that he was online. I asked him what he was doing up so late and he told me he just had homework and that I should go back to sleep. I still felt like something was going on, so I logged into his account (with the login info he gave to me because he trusted me with it), and saw that he had received a message from someone. This girl just so happened to be a friend of his who moved to Washington. Scrolling back on their conversation, I saw that they were flirting with each other. Martin mentioned how I apparently wasn't giving him enough attention and the girl responded to him by saying how much better he deserved and how she would never treat her boyfriend that way. In short, he asked her out and they proceeded to have a long distance relationship behind my back. I was heartbroken. Despite everything he did to me, I was still incredibly hurt that he would cheat on me. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to my alarm. I didn't want to go to school that day, but I forced myself to go so that I could confront him. Once we met up in the morning, he noticed that I seemed a bit off. I didn't want to confront him right away, so I chose to slowly ease into it. I told him that I was tired and asked if he had gotten his homework done the night before. He said yes, but then started talking about how his mom wants him to go live with her in Washington. I was getting a bit angry and slipped out the words, "You'd have to go to school there. Would you be seeing other girls?" This made him upset and he told me to go to my friends and leave him alone. I did and I told her everything that I found out, but little did I know that this mutual friend of ours was the other girl's cousin. She pretty much stabbed me in the back and went off to tell him straight away. We started arguing with him being mad that I went onto his account without his permission and me fighting back with how he has no reason to be mad because he's the one who got caught cheating. The bell for classes rang and I couldn't bring myself to attend the rest of school that day. I felt like I was about to throw up and I had a good friend of mine take me to the nurse. My mom brought me home because I wasn't feeling well. She didn't push for any details and just thought I was sick, so she left for work after dropping me home. I confronted the girl in Washington and she told Martin about it. The dumbest part about all of this was the fact that I was willing to "share" him with her. When I didn't give him enough attention, he'd go to her and vice versa. That summer after 8th grade, I had had enough. I didn't care anymore. I was completely done with Martin and I wasn't afraid of whatever threats he had. I broke up with him, all while he was begging for me to work things out with him. I ignored him all throughout summer and freshman year. He messaged me again in my sophomore year, hoping we could make up and be friends. I admit, at first I tried forgiving him and being his friend, but everything that happened between us all came back to me and I had a mental breakdown. I told him how I couldn't be his friend because of this. I didn't trust him and I didn't want him in my life. He was hurt and tried desperately to make it up to me, but I told him that nothing he could do could make me forgive and forget. He talked about how I took things away from him too and pretty much downplayed the pain that I was feeling, talking about how we were just immature kids, how he grew out of the pain I left with him and moved on, and how I shouldn't be afraid of commitment or falling in love again. I feel like a bunch of people would take this as a solid apology, but all I heard was someone trying to cover up, someone who thought that a simple hug would magically erase all the bad things he had done. I ignored him again, but later, his current girlfriend messaged me. She sent a screenshot of my conversation with him. She asked if I had sex with him and that she wasn't mad at me. She talked about how she couldn't get any answers out of Martin because he was being all defensive and how sorry she was for me and felt bad that I had to go through such a traumatizing experience. However, I couldn't say anything back because he had blocked me. So that seemed like an empty apology on her part. Just speculation, but I'm pretty sure Martin somehow convinced her that I'm the bad guy. Anyways, about 2 years later, this whole situation resurfaces. It was my senior year and I was getting less and less motivated. I couldn't bring myself to do my work and I often skipped school to just lay in bed. I went to a counselor and through her questioning, we found that because of my traumatic experiences with Martin, I grew to have unrealistic expectations of myself and if I couldn't reach the heights of those expectations, I would put myself down. I found that I was really frustrated with who I was in middle school because of those events, so I tried to force myself to become better, not knowing that I was only hurting myself more. My counselor recommended I file a report even if the police couldn't do anything about it and to see a therapist. I did both, but honestly felt like the professionals that were supposed to help me, only made things worse. After writing the report, the police made it clear that because I had no evidence and because it happened a long time ago, they couldn't do anything. I knew that and would've been less hurt had they been a little nicer about dealing with a young woman in distress. The therapist I talked to might've done the absolute worst though. She completely downplayed my experience, saying that I shouldn't feel bad for doing all those things with Martin because I was just experimenting. She continued by saying that most women have similar stories to mine and they shouldn't feel bad either. She says all of this as I fill out the tests that determine whether I have depression and anxiety, and I know it's not good to self-diagnose, but since she's pretty much one of the only working therapist where I'm from, I think it's safe to say that I know what I have. She even recommended to get my mind off of all this stress from my past and school, I should go to a zumba class and talk to the ladies there. I never even got called back for my tests results or another session after the first meeting with that therapist. You're probably wondering how my friends and family reacted to this. Of course, they were all worried, but they still stood by me and reassured me that I was enough. It did raise a few issues with my parents and their overprotectiveness, but we're working on it. I haven't talked to Martin in almost 3 years now. I still live in the same area as him and I'm just waiting for the day that I can move away, but for now, whenever I see him in public, I try my best to not be seen by him.
Again, I'm ready sorry about this being such a long read. But if you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I've been through so much and I hope that anyone who can relate to this in anyway knows that someone understands them. I still struggle with a bunch of things dealing with my past, but I'm doing my best to get better. It wasn't until I started talking about this to others that I realized just how hard on myself I was. I could barely even take compliments without thinking that someone was only saying it half-heartedly. I had to be reassured that I had a choice and that it was okay for me to say no or state that I was uncomfortable. I started noticing red flags a lot sooner and even began coming to terms with he fact that what happened to me was not my fault. I'll be honest when I say that it's still bittersweet though. Martin pretty much gets away with the trauma he caused me and I only have the people who believe me to back me up. I don't feel like sharing my story in a more public domain would do much, but I do feel like I'm taking something back the more people around me know. Maybe for now typing all this out anonymously is fine. Hopefully, I end up finding full closure with all of this someday.