What are you looking for?
9 months ago · · anger issues, · Explicit
When something goes bad in life, everything crumbles one by one, and you are left with broken pieces of what was once dreams of a better future, plans for finding your way, goals of resilience for following that path to your dreams..
Every fucking aspect of your life shatters apart. When a friendship goes wrong, another relationship is cut open. You stay behind unconsciously like a wounded animal, knowing that same old dance but still unable to stay collected and calm.
Next comes issues with school or work, whatever fits your cup for doing life. When you look around to find a way out from every bad end, you realize you're all alone with no single soul to understand something is seriously going on with you.
Right now, I am feeling trapped in this room. Outdoors is a pandemic, indoors is emotionally (probably physically too if you can push the right buttons) abusive family members. The mind is a good place for personality disorders and self doubt. Trying to keep up with virtual social life makes up for crippling anxiety. Wherever I turn, there is an explosive volcano. I feel the warmth and for a second my dumb brain wanna blindly belive it could be comforting but before I realize I'm gonna get burned, fire swallows me whole and dehumanizes me into this borderline rage. I hate this! I hate everything, but mostly myself.
For the last a few years, I haven't wrote anything here. This is such a bad habit of me. I forget. Simply, that is it. I forget how bad things went for me. I forget how much I struggled to continue breathing. I forget I was hurt. I forget how much pain I was in. I see the scars on my arm everyday, but it seems that I seriously forget how I put them there when I was trying to cope with that blazing ache and blinding frustration over this unfair excuse for a life.
People fall. Life drags all of us on our knees. Sometimes we even keep torturing ourselves in our heads as if things weren't already maddening. I marvel at how people keep fighting. They get back up and they don't go down without swinging. But when it comes to assessing myself, I feel it doesn't mean that much. I never compare hardships to each other. But since I forget many bad things happened to me, I keep thinking "It wasn't that awful.".
There was a time, I wasn't able to 100% acknowledge this household was abusive. Like I mentioned, not physical, but as a part of me is afraid to get out of my room right now, something obviously must have gone so wrong along the way. What happened was simple: I was upset over something, and I absent mindedly (while trying to figure something out on my phone) told my father (damn I hate this word right now) to check his damn phone. Like a wildfire spreading to take over a forest in the most brutal way, I was forced to see a backlash that kept getting high-pitched. A few insults here and there, a few "I don't give a fuck if you are upset" somewhere, a few dramatic postures that made me wanna replace myself with atoms in the air, just to disappear from human sight..
I kept sitting there, silent. The hurt I felt since Friday night because of a dear friend long forgotten. He continued his ranting on my insolence. Let me remind you that I am afraid to get out of my room, afraid to go to kitchen before he goes to bed. It shouldn't matter that he hadn't hit me before (not for a long time, I think a few incidents occurred when I was younger). I always feel like he can. What's the fucking difference between hitting someone and making them feel so afraid that you can hit them any second even though everyone is aware you probably can't? Oh yes, such an insolent psycho freak that I am.
This is humiliating. I am twenty-something years old. I won't go to get a glass of water so that I can avoid confrontation. I'd do everything not to feel his presence near me right now. When am I ever gonna get it together? When will I scream at him to mind his damn words when he is talking about me? When will I bare my teeth and stand my goddamn ground in front of him?
A part of me always think that I am exaggerating, but I can't change what I feel. I hate how I go back and forget all this to keep telling myself "This is not abuse, stop the pity." if he is happy for that day and acts like a normal human being. It takes one second, one moment, one high tone, one wrong word, one side glance to trigger chain reaction leading to chaos, pain and loneliness.
I wish I was strong enough to leave this place, brave enough to start a new life somewhere else. Instead I wrap myself around puffy blankets with lyrics going through my head to soothe this shame out of myself. Yes, I cringe everytime I think about tomorrow morning. I'll have to push down the dread, get up, go and have that damn breakfast on that dinner table with them. Keeping my head down to avoid eye contact, to avoid this awkardness, wishing they both would dissolve into thin air as if these were remnant images from a far away place. Somewhere I managed to get away.
I just want everything to leave me the fuck alone! Can the world forget about my existence and erase me from its records?
Oh dear God..
I think I am angry.
I think I've beeen angry for a long time.