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Figuring out my "Little T" Traumas
1 month ago · · Emotional Trauma, · Explicit
Growing up I always thought my parents were just not into high school sports. I didn't blame them at the time...Girls JV high school soccer was not the most exciting sport even if their daughter (me) was the captain for two years. It's funny because I bet they don't even know I was captain. I was fine with it until my little brother started playing JV high school hockey. Both my parents have attended every game and often do backflips to make sure they can be there. They both have made comments similar to “It’s so much fun when you have a kid in the game.” This automatically made me feel pretty shitty because if there was ever an inconvenience when it came to watching me they would not show up. So my mom maybe came to 1 or 2 games throughout high school and my dad (the one I look at as a father) never showed up. My mom now says they didn't come because they felt uncomfortable with my biological father always being at the games. Uninvited by the way! He was always there lurking in the stands, in the parking lot, just everywhere to make me feel uncomfortable. So I understood my mother’s reasoning at first why she did not attend my games but then I realized how fucked up that was. I was a 14-year-old child who hated her biological father for good reasons. 10 years prior at 4 years old my biological father molested me. My twin sister and I went to therapy for years and then one day our therapist “cleared” us and it was never spoken about again. That’s an entirely different story but what “parents” would not want to go to a soccer game to protect their child from her abuser? It just does not make sense to me. Instead, I was left in tears on the sidelines scared to death. I was left to walk in the dark parking lot alone to my car to be confronted by my abuser and his brother. They would try and give me gifts, money, food, literally anything just to get close to me. I loved playing soccer for my high school so I kept playing even though he showed up at every game. I eventually told my coach what was going on and she was a great support system. I ended up getting the coach’s award at the banquet; that my parents also did not attend, for how much I went through but did not let it get in the way of the game. I used to be so proud of that award but now looking at it makes me sad that my parents were not there for me when I needed them. The worst part is that I have expressed my feelings to them and they make comments saying how jealous I am of my little brother. Maybe I am a little jealous, to be honest.