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In love with an addict
1 month ago · · Need advise, · Explicit
I met him a while ago...
there was an instant attraction but something about him seemed so dangerous.
As time passed our paths crossed again and I soon realized the image I had in my head of him wasn’t who he was.
In the beginning he was charming, goofy, but also very strange and I couldn’t quite place what was truly wrong with him.
He was struggling really badly so I took him in. I tried my best to do everything I could to make him feel safe and loved. I provided everything he needed to get on his feet... but as time progressed, his behavior and treatment towards me worsened. I started to feel worthless. I started to feel like nothing I did was ever enough. The constant emotional and mental abuse took a toll. But I never gave up on him.
Later, I discovered his addiction: a powdery white drug that he couldn’t live without.
After many battles, tears, and finally putting my foot down he was able to stop. But it wasn’t easy. I had blamed his behavior on that drug and excused so much disrespect.
Things started to get better, and I was so relieved. He promised to get a job and help more around the house but yet again I was disappointed.
I couldn’t do anything without him, I was not allowed to. I could not run a single errand. I could not put my own fuel in the car. I cut not get my own mail. I work 7 days a week... I wasn’t allowed to smile at my customers. Eye contact was now considered cheating. I wasn’t allowed to hang with friends and eventually not even family. Work was my only escape but even there I wasn’t safe. He had people follow me and watch me. He would be on video chat with me all day to make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong... His insecurities and paranoia never stopped even after he “quit” the drug.
My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day and so on... they were all ruined because of his behavior.
I forgave him for things I should’ve never accepted. He lied constantly, he stole, he treated me like I was nothing, and then... he cheated.
I left. It was so hard but I walked away and he wouldn’t allow it . But he wouldn’t let me go... he fought for me back and made all these promises to be better and I believed him. But after all the pain... the abuse... I felt that I was losing myself piece by piece. It would be a rollercoaster. One day it’d be great and the next would be hell. Nothing made him happy. Now he claimed to feel this guilt and shame so he was always sad... I tried and tried to cheer him up and assure him things would get better. Then... I discovered he cheated again. And I confronted him... which led to physical abuse this time. He was so angry I had discovered what happened but so afraid to lose me. I kicked him out again for the 20th time. After about a week of him not living with me but not leaving me alone of course I took him back like a dumbass. In the hopes he would change this time after realizing his faults and finally accepting that I am not the bad guy but he is. But everything was still somehow my fault. Every opportunity he got he tried to make me feel bad. I couldn’t understand how I could give so much to someone only for them to treat me this way. He always thought people were after him ... but now for some reason I was the reason they were in his head. He would always accuse me of cheating. Every single day. It was exhausting to constantly have to prove myself to someone who didn’t do a fraction of what I did for him. But I chose to. Again and again. I love him. Despite everything I still do. But I feel so much rage when I look at him. Everything he says I no longer believe. Everything he does infuriates me. And he sees that now. He sees how much he broke me. I would beg for attention in the beginning and now I didn’t care. I got used to him being in the next room and me crying myself to sleep. I didn’t wanna let go. But he still did not get better. He still chose to fight with me constantly. He saw it. He saw that I couldn’t handle it anymore... he knew that the next time he let his mind destroy our relationship I would not fight anymore and that’s exactly what happened.
I had hope once again. I don’t know how I could give my all to someone despite all the shit he put me through and he still chooses to see me as his enemy. The drug destroyed him. And if I had known of this issue I wouldn’t have ever put myself through this. His promises meant nothing. So how could I trust him to be a father if he cannot even be stable for a day? Now I have to carry this burden of my poor choices for the next 9 months, alone.