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I am looking at the moon outside my window and I feel like doing nothing. I want to stare at it for as long as possible. It looks full moon to me but probably not for others. There’s a small part of it that’s missing. Based from Google, it’s not going to be full moon until Sunday - March 28.
I feel like doing nothing. Just stare at a blank space. If I could stay on a beach right now and breathe the air from the ocean, it’ll probably help. I want to feel the sand on my toes and stare at the sky. Are there stars outside? I don’t see them here. It’s pitch black - well not really because of the moon.
I can feel the air from my room fan. I see the leaves of the vines from mom’s plant at the window. My eyes are tired and want to sleep, they’re also tired from crying. My nose is clogged but I don’t care. I am hugging a pillow right now but I feel nothing. I am tired. Emotionally. Mentally.
I wish I can write everything here. I wish I have the courage to do it. But even tapping on my screen is a lot for me. Even breathing.
How much is one’s life worth?
I’m afraid mine’s already paid for. I feel so small and as weird as it sounds, I see myself like a tiny fetus in an empty bottle. Eyes closed. Hugging itself like a baby. I see how sensitive for it to be touched. That a tiny sharp object like the tip of a broken glass can kill it.
I can see a tiny star at the edge of my window. I’m glad to see one tonight. I like the stars. I like how they’re so far away but beautiful. When I was a kid, I used to imagine getting married under a thousand stars.
I feel sorry for Sean. That I have to leave him at the most difficult time in his career. I feel sorry that I cannot be with him. I feel sorry that he wasted his time, money, and effort for someone who can’t be saved but I’m glad he’s around. I am thankful for all the good and bad things I had with him. I am grateful that someone is willing to take me under their wing.
My life was always been in the hands of my mom. I have never felt I have the freedom to be myself. It was planned and made to her liking. It felt like I have a string around my neck. I never felt that I was a gift from God. No. It was all her. My mom owns me so she also have the power to take my life.
I want to take asleep. A long one. God, please take my life. Take it. I’m ready.
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