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My first love was a swiss brunette with green eyes, she resembled British Anna Friel. We met at a camp when we were teenagers. Despite being very insecure and lacking in self esteem on the inside, I over compensated that on the outside by being very loud and by being a jokester. She on the other hand was very gentle, soft spoken and was a trainee nurse. Many in our social circle thought we would end up together and raise a family. At that time I failed to work on my esteem and my insecurity. At that time in my own head...it was like why is she being so cold and distant PAY ATTENTION TO ME! The reality was and looking back I was very clingy and needy. Those faults I failed to work on and spiralled out of control. Over things happened and I struggled with anxiety and depression as a result. It crossed over into our young relationship with me being very unstable. I was here one minute and then the next when things did not go my way I would cut and disappear. It is all her fault she is being so cold! it is all her she is ashamed to be with me! We became a very on and off relationship between the ages of 16-23 .
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She had a lot going on, she was studying to be a nurse and had two other sisters. She was a gentle kind soul. Her eldest sister had some serious issues and had become very ill. Every time she is coming home , she struggles managing a job, a course and an unstable home environment with her eldest sister being ill. She needed a stable and mature partner. Instead she had a very immature, temperamental , clingy boyfriend who did not stop to truly ask....what do you need and how are you? Sometimes all she needed was someone to be there and show they could evolve into the kind of partner she wanted...instead she had to deal with the worlds oldest baby. When she needed support He was too busy thinking about himself. He would come good eventually but then revert back to his usual ways. When he begged for another chance in 2007, she realised she cannot go on like this and made it clear that this door has to be closed. She can do without the drama, the lack of support and the childish behaviour. She needed a man, that was not me.
When you read it from the other point of view it is really insightful. It was also part of the healing process and journey I needed to go on. Be less selfish, grow up, get stable , stick it through when it gets tough and think about not being a huge drain on a person. In my own head at that time...It was all her fault and I never did anything wrong....but the reality was I screwed that relationship up , I was the on and off not her...she became distant because she was tired of being burned and could no longer do this to herself.
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