What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · mental health,
So this is the tide right now. 2 days up, a few hours down. I'm beginning to take note that these feelings of emptiness tend to coincide with tiredness. Though not always, it is largely the case.
I've also noted that when I don't drink water for a couple days, it's a similar feeling. Albeit with more intensity in my head than the feeling of emptiness in my chest.
It's similar to times before, still I'm aware enough now to know different. That's my biggest turning point is I know it will eventually fade.
Even thinking it through helps calm it to a degree. Holding onto that hopeful optimism that this is alright. I know why I feel this way.
Admittedly, a very large part of me fears what could be considered the inevitable where I slip back down into my madness. Even if I did, well...
What's the worst that could happen? Let's play a little game
Let's say i were to suddenly find myself consumed by this all over again. What is my first response? I'd probably stew in it for a few days, maybe even a week or two but eventually I'd start wanting that hope again.
Let's say it doesn't happen for a month, 6 months, a year even. What exactly changes? Nothing. Because that's the world I was so used to, the old familiar walls that never changed. Interesting, have I finally escaped that room?
I remember why I stayed there for so long. It was all I had ever known. The rules were clear and everything had a reason. Inside that room, I was nothing, a monster. It was easier because the answers never changed, it was always no.
Do I think I could honestly go back to that willfully? Consciously? I'd hope not and that's where that line gets drawn, hope. I can't sink past that line because I have that hope. Like a life jacket, keeping me above water.
Sure, the waves still crash into me but as long as I have that, I'll always resurface. Not a very difficult concept, but an extremely difficult practice. Though hope has been something that has began to become rather available for me recently. Like it's not just in me, it's part of me now. I become hope, harmony, balance.
Sometimes it is hard though and I really need to get my sleep schedule back in line again. Weird how this just keeps occurring over and over again. I am by every definition, a born night owl. It is how my body operates. Or you could consider me a vampire I guess just for some humor. I mean, I do sleep all day and am awake all night.
There, see? Just a bit of distraction can do wonders. Not completely better but enough to feel the difference.
I still find it funny that even as I've explored all of this experience, I keep drawing the same exact parallels as psychologists and philosophers. Sometimes without even knowing. In fact, every observation is uniquely my own but always ends up being some spin in things that humanity has always known.
That's another reason I document this stuff so closely. What if, one of these days, I finally find something no one has ever thought of before? Statistically, that's impossible but hey why can't I hope? Gotcha, didn't I