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So this is the tide right now. 2 days up, a few hours down. I'm beginning to take note that these feelings of emptiness tend to coincide with tiredness. Though not always, it is largely the case.
I've also noted that when I don't drink water for a couple days, it's a similar feeling. Albeit with more intensity in my head than the feeling of emptiness in my chest.
It's similar to times before, still I'm aware enough now to know different. That's my biggest turning point is I know it will eventually fade.
Even thinking it through helps calm it to a degree. Holding onto that hopeful optimism that this is alright. I know why I feel this way.
Admittedly, a very large part of me fears what could be considered the inevitable where I slip back down into my madness. Even if I did, well...
What's the worst that could happen? Let's play a little game
Let's say i were to suddenly find myself consumed by this all over again. What is my first response? I'd probably stew in it for a few days, maybe even a week or two but eventually I'd start wanting that hope again.
Let's say it doesn't happen for a month, 6 months, a year even. What exactly changes? Nothing. Because that's the world I was so used to, the old familiar walls that never changed. Interesting, have I finally escaped that room?
I remember why I stayed there for so long. It was all I had ever known. The rules were clear and everything had a reason. Inside that room, I was nothing, a monster. It was easier because the answers never changed, it was always no.
Do I think I could honestly go back to that willfully? Consciously? I'd hope not and that's where that line gets drawn, hope. I can't sink past that line because I have that hope. Like a life jacket, keeping me above water.
Sure, the waves still crash into me but as long as I have that, I'll always resurface. Not a very difficult concept, but an extremely difficult practice. Though hope has been something that has began to become rather available for me recently. Like it's not just in me, it's part of me now. I become hope, harmony, balance.
Sometimes it is hard though and I really need to get my sleep schedule back in line again. Weird how this just keeps occurring over and over again. I am by every definition, a born night owl. It is how my body operates. Or you could consider me a vampire I guess just for some humor. I mean, I do sleep all day and am awake all night.
There, see? Just a bit of distraction can do wonders. Not completely better but enough to feel the difference.
I still find it funny that even as I've explored all of this experience, I keep drawing the same exact parallels as psychologists and philosophers. Sometimes without even knowing. In fact, every observation is uniquely my own but always ends up being some spin in things that humanity has always known.
That's another reason I document this stuff so closely. What if, one of these days, I finally find something no one has ever thought of before? Statistically, that's impossible but hey why can't I hope? Gotcha, didn't I
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Good morning you :)
Not sure if you're aware of this- but people with higher intelligence are usually night owls by nature. It's funny how one's natural circadian works. It was a way of life for me so much that I would generally work 3rd shift for many years. But then people were expecting me to work all night, and be all that I can be by day. We need sleep lol. Sleep is good. Sleep is marvelous. Sleep is downright luxurious for those with overly busy minds. I used to be just kinda blah blah all day, and then suddenly come alive around 9pm. Normal people don't like this. So, I became a daywalker. And I must say, I do rather enjoy it. I love getting up in the morning, listening to the birds sing, seeing the sunrise over the water. Watching the day stretch and yawn to its full height. You can train yourself off that night schedule. If there's something important that needs to get through to you, you will tell yourself in dreamtime.
Water! Is the best stuff on earth! I know they say it's snapple. But its really water. Although, a nice cold strawberry kiwi snapple never hurt nobody, water should be a priority everyday. Everyday! Did I mention daily? 🤣 And preferably room temperature. If you drink water consistently, you'll notice yourself being turned off from juices, sodas, etc. You'll begin really detecting the unnatural-ness of other beverages. And wonder how you ever pumped yourself full of that other stuff.. And God knows you'll feel a helluva lot better physically.
This post reminds me of a cute little song I like to listen to sometimes- its called "we're all mad here" by SJ Tucker. I think there's something in it for you if you'll take a listen.
Have a great day ⚘
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