What are you looking for?
I just can't
1 month ago · · Mental Illness,
I can't keep trying to help others. I keep finding myself saying the same stuff over and over. I try to mix it up but it's just the same theme running through everywhere.
This is our world without love, filled with apathy and hatred and ego. It eats at me that I feel this way, it truly does. I wish I could REALLY help people, actually make a difference, you know?
I wish I could see the impact, to see the spark of change take hold. But even helping in person, it's rarely evident. Helping online is way worse.
No guarantee on anything. It bugs me to no end and it just makes me feel like there's something amiss here. There's some aspect that could radically change people's lives. Like a string that you don't know exactly where it's coming from but you know if you could get rid of it, it would open up the gates, tear down the walls.
I like to think that it's love or acceptance or encouragement or insight but in truth, it's none of them. At some point I have to ask myself, how many feel this way because it's just easier?
I know I've been guilty of it! I still do it from time to time. Heck, you could even make a case that this very post IS me doing that. So don't try and get all holier "than thou" on me.
I know the truth because I dug it out to the roots. Yet I can't even find that mysterious string for myself. How could I find it for anyone else?
You know, I think about it and I hope that maybe, just maybe if I help just one person, MAYBE I will find what I've been looking for forever.
Yet, am i even allowed to even ask something like that? Or is that selfish? When i help someone, i genuinely and authentically do my best at that moment with no reservations. It's not until I've had a chance to look back that I think to myself that maybe my labors will be rewarded. On some nigh impossible chance of randomness. Is that selfish?
I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I can see the end coming. I know it's not the end all be all, but it is going to be severe and I just can't help but doubt how I could have ANY hopes of lessening all that loss.
Sometimes you just gotta take the world for what it is, right? Isn't that inherently selfish in some aspect?
I don't know. I don't know what to say to make your pain go away, I don't know if any of my advice will actually help. I don't know if what I'm doing is even "good". Whose to say that things aren't supposed to be this way? Forgoing any sort of divine being or man made myth, what if it's just how things have to be?
They say that hard times make strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create bad times.
But honestly, I don't buy that. Not in the slightest. It's a HUGE generalization of the entire human race.
I am a weak man. I've created my fair share of hard times, though I'd like to believe I created some good times too. At least on a personal level.
But there's really no way I could ever know. I can't live through someone else's shoes, as much as I'd like to think I can empathize and sympathize with just about anyone.
I wonder how much weight my words carry and I know that for the vast majority, my words are worthless. For others, my words are just too intimidating.
So the only course of action o can take is to just step down of my soapbox and just allow people to do what they want to do.
So I'm giving it up for now. I don't feel like I'm really helping anyone and the darkness in my own head is starting to creep back in.
Take care out there, I love you. I'm sorry.