What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · Grief,
I have never experienced losing a person I am so close to, to death. My biggest fear has always been losing a loved one, and death itself. It probably would be easier if had the comfort of believing in an afterlife. After losing my granddad, I can see why so many people do. I envy them. I remember last year having a discussion with my granddad about death, and about God. He told me that his time was coming soon, and I dismissed it and said, ‘don’t tell me that!’ which I regret doing now. He must have known his time was coming soon. A couple of weeks when his dementia got really bad, he told my Nana that he was soon going home, and that he would arrive there before she did, and that he would wait for her.
I had a special relationship to my granddad. Despite having autism and selective mutism as a child, I still look so happy in the photos with him. I suppose going for walks with him and being read to by him did not require me speaking. I used to love him reading to me. In my late teens when I became more verbal, I got so close to him. I would see him at least once a week, and I was always so happy to see him. He had this amazing smile that would light up the room and make me realise that everything is going to be okay. At family gatherings he and I would always exchange looks, he would look at me as if he is just so proud of me, and as if I am so precious to him. And we would always have inside jokes, and I would make such comments and would look at him and he would have that smile or laugh of his. Or he would jokingly shake his head at me. We had this intense emotional connection, and I cannot even put into words how much he meant to me.
We are such a small, close-knit family, and a loss as great at this is huge and changes everything. Things will never be the same. But family was extremely important to him, he loved his family, and would want us to keep gathering, keep talking, keep smiling, keep laughing, and keep enjoying all the things he enjoyed. If he taught me anything, it was to be strong and have faith. Even if I do not have the exact same beliefs as he did (he was a reverend, and I am just a young adult finding her way in life) I need to have faith that things will be okay. If my granddad were here, he would tell me to have faith and to stay strong. And to stop drinking so much coffee. He was always jokingly disapproving of my coffee intake, and I would always tell him how many cups of coffee I had had that day so he could give me one of his looks and shake his head.