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1 month ago · · Anxiety,
As a kid, I struggled through recurring bouts of asthma, spending half of my supposed school days at home. I didn’t have the option of homeschooling then. It must have been unheard of in my small town in the 90’s. Nobody at home would have had the time to spare, anyway. I’m talking about this because I want to point out how much time sickness took away from me and how I had to spend my healthier childhood days catching up with everyone such that the stress of the chase eventually became an asthma trigger itself. Gym class was a torture because it meant having to be extra cautious about physical exertion but having to give enough so accusations about holding my team back wouldn’t escalate to further alienation. My sister already hated me for all the “entitlement” I enjoyed. She still does. When I get sick these days, now that I’m an adult, I feel like that kid again... useless and helpless, especially with the world being a more dangerous place with a pandemic going on... how can I not want to kill myself for being a scum of the earth? Fit and a fighter I haven’t been. I am only worthy when I’m useful but since I’m often broken shouldn’t I just kill myself?9