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1 month ago · · Stress,
Hello everyone. My name is Blaise, but I go by Bee. I am genderfluid and go by they/he pronouns. A lot has happened. I just need to fill in everything. I guess I should just start with what's on my mind. Trigger warning, there's probably going to be swearing and maybe mentions of mental and emotional abuse.
So, recently, I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We had been fighting a lot more than usual. I wasn't in the best mental state, and I'm still not. But that's why I'm here. It was originally supposed to be a break. I explained to him why I wanted to take a break, and he got upset. He went small and told me I ruined his life.
Then I got sick, so I wasn't at school Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday, when I went back, I found out he left class and had a panic attack. He had the school counselor give me a note he had written to me. To keep his privacy, I will not say exactly what was in it, but he basically said that he didn't want to lose me and that he was sorry for what he said.
I talked to the counselor, and she suggested that I apologize since I did it on a call with other people. Now that I say it, I get that wasn't appropriate. But, that was the only way I could contact him, since I don't have my phone, and his phone doesn't get texts through easily. I had said something before, which was when I was still upset. But, I went back to redo it and try to make it better.
What I said was: "I’m going to try to say this in a better way. I want you to just listen. Don’t say anything until you’ve let what I am going to say sink in. I don't want to be in a relationship with you. I think it would be better if we were just friends. I’m sorry for doing it with other people there, but how they reacted is not my fault. I am going to talk to them about leaving it alone, but I am not responsible for how they act. I know it may have seemed sudden to you, but it wasn’t for me. We had been fighting a lot, and I couldn’t deal with it. I had tried to talk it out, but we just ended up fighting again later. You were constantly asking for my attention, and it made me feel like what I was giving wasn’t enough. I can’t deal with that. Other than my own decision, none of what anyone else has to say about it is my responsibility. I know it will take a while to forgive me, if you ever do, but I am sorry for saying it with others around. It should have been a private thing. I’m not going to give you false hope and say that we might get back together. My definitive answer is that I just want to stay friends. But, if you’ll let me, I’m willing to be your caregiver. That’s all I have to say about it."
He responded by saying that I had gaslighted him. For a bit of context, I had a friend who made me and his ex, my friend still, were being hunted by demons. I am extremely easily manipulated and I am fairly spiritual, being a learning Wiccan and all, so I didn't think twice at the time. I'm going to call the "friend" J, my ex A, and my friend L.
J had L and I believe that he was going to be killed by demons. It got to a point where we thought we were part animal. I guess it was because our brains were trying so hard to make sense of everything that they just kind of went with it. Well, A got involved in this elaborate thing. He's always high and believed J's demon turned him into part dog. When I sent that thing, he asked me if it was funny watching him believe he was part dog.
Of course, I hadn't thought twice about it being fake at the time. But he said that I gaslighted him by making him believe all of that stuff actually happened. But I was as clueless as he was. I still think that some of it was real, because of what I have seen, but I think that most of it was faked. He went on to say that I had tried to make him seem not human.
The thing was, for the time we were dating, it was always about him. I never thought about myself. I just wanted him to be happy. I bent myself backward in an attempt to make him stay happy. I am an age regressor, and he was as well. He was always small, so I was always big so I could take care of him. Whenever I was small, he would end up being small, and he didn't like it when I was small at the same time as him.
So I was never small. I only could have been small with him not around, but he also always wanted my attention, so I would be on call with him all the time. I broke the rules multiple times to talk to him because I was afraid of him getting upset and doing something to himself. He's extremely suicidal and has a past involving a family gang, drugs, and alcohol.
It got to the point where if I got sick and wasn't at school he would get upset. When I and one of my friends, who I'll call T, got close contacted, he cried and said that he was going to be all alone. As I said earlier, it was always about him.
Whenever I was confident in an outfit I normally wouldn't wear and I asked him what he thought, almost every time he said either "You look like a hot mess." or "You look like a whore." So my self-confidence wasn't the best around him. He would make me feel bad for everything. I didn't talk to him before class? Well, I had plenty of time. I get sick and can't get on a call? He needed me. Things like that.
Even when I said I wanted to take a break for my mental health he made it about himself. He said that I had lied to him about loving him, that he hated me, that I ruined his life, that he didn't have anyone anymore.
So, I decided it should be a breakup instead. Today, Monday, April 12, 2021, in lunch, I told him that the counselor had moved him, and he said "Are you kidding me? I needed to talk to her (the counselor) You get to see T on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and now how many days do I get to have lunch with them? Zero." Then walked away. Before that, in Science, I went to sit at my lab station with T, A, and K. A said "I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to be over here." In an aggressive tone.
It wasn't even my fault that he got moved. The counselor had decided that on her own. He told me in a google doc, which is how we were talking "Because of you, I've gone to the office three times in the span of three days, two of which you weren't there. Now I have a protection order against you."
I was small all weekend. When I got in trouble with one of my friends, I got so upset that I started crying, and I said "Please don't make me go big. I don't like being big. I don't want to be big anymore. Being big means I have to listen to everyone all the time and get in trouble if I don't." That was from me while I was mentally four. I was so messed up from what had happened that I didn't want to be big anymore.
There's so much more, but I'm getting tired of typing it all out.