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Logic v.s. Emotion v.s. Me
4 weeks ago · · Logic,
Logistics. I am a very logical person. I work out every scenario, before it occurs, in my head. The worst, the best, and the in betweens. I work out the reactions too. My own, and those of the people around me. Every word, every action, every shared thought is intentional and fully developed in my head before I dare to proceed. Nothing I do is spontaneous. Sometimes it may seem that way because I think so fast that I reach answers for complicated issues within minutes. Most times though, I ponder a problem for so long, that it becomes strange to me. It's like when you are a child and you say a word over and over again, until somehow it seems like nonsense.
My life and everything in it is planned and logical. Emotions are the antagonist. Those, I seem to have no handle on these days. Yes, my actions are controlled by logic, but the thoughts are not always. Combated by logic, yes, but not always controlled This is what scares me. I have been through hell and back in the past few months. Logic has been able to hold me in place for the most part: this series of unfortunate events cannot be forever, other people have been through the same and much worse, you are not weak enough to succumb to the pain. That is my ammo against the hopeless thoughts. Logical. Those thoughts have kept me grounded. However, much like the repetition of a word, thinking about these phrases as a constant defense to the illogical counterpart - emotion-driven thoughts - has made them seem less tangible.
Grasping the concept that I can get through everything I am being faced with right now is a task that is growing in difficulty. It is to the point where I am beginning to question myself. Am I really strong enough to win against my emotions, will I ever get out of this "tragedy after tragedy" pattern, has anyone else felt this level of pain? This is where it gets dangerous. This is what leaves me confused and leads to new, scary logic.
The current revised "logic" that I am battling is as follows: It would be better for most if I ended my life now. My life is calculated, therefore my demise should be as well. There are lots of scenarios to work out, although easy enough to figure out as they all have the same ending. Worst case scenario: I die in a messy, unfinished way. Best case scenario: It is a clean exit. There are lots of in betweens that are really irrelevant for this matter. If it were a decision based purely off of logical scenarios, I'd be gone already.
The damn reactions make it complicated. Obviously not my own, but there are so many people to factor in. Those who I would hurt and who might miss me. Although missing someone and wanting someone to stay are very different things, I don't like to cause pain for other people. Trying to figure out and cater to everyone's reactions is an endless hole which is why if I do decide to end my life, it will be in some part spontaneous. I will never fully figure out the reactions part.
In some way, logic may save my life. Good thing I am not a spontaneous person.