What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I feel like such a failure. I have been lately. These past months, maybe even over a year. I applied for a job but they haven't called me just yet, I'm hopeful about it though. I stay up too late, about 4 am everyday and I wake up at like 2-3 pm like a loser. I don't usually dwell on self pity because I don't want to be more of a loser, but maybe I just need to express my feelings every now and then as well. I try to make little changes but I just don't care enough sometimes. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I do online school which is why I can have an ungodly sleep schedule that is not good for me and makes my family worry so I try to hide the fact that I have shit sleeping habits. I don't eat very good, I'm getting addicted to soda again, and I'm a massive anime and video game nerd. I don't know what's happened to me. I was a well respected honor roll student and then I started seeing and hearing shit and my mental health rapidly declined so I left public school right before the pandemic hit and now here I am. I can't drive. I'm only 17, and I know that's still very young, but my mom and people around me have high expectations for me. It feels like almost daily that my brother tells me to start driving and get a job. I already know I'm a disappointment and being reminded everyday doesn't help. I feel so behind all of my peers. My grades are absolute garbage and I'm in a program similar to special education, which has been helping but I still feel like I'm moving so much slower than everyone. It's such a shitty feeling and I've really just had to do self reflecting and not try to be stuck on catching up with everyone. I need to let me do me. But it still feels like absolute shit. I feel like a failure.