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Hi I’m old enough to be in midlife crisis. In fact I’m having it right now. 3 years ago I graduated from my very stressful college. I told myself I need to take a break from all 4 years of keep feeling stressed, depressed, anxious you name it. I lived my first year of being fresh graduated by doing nothing, NOTHING! I got a job opportunity not an offer, but I keep rejecting it cause every time I imagine myself having the 9 to 5 job it’s taking me back to my most stressful and worst semester of my 4 years of study. In that period I feel dead inside, doing the same things over over over over again. Being wake up in the dead of morning, being in traffic every morning, fighting stranger to get a seat, being anxious 24/7, if it wasn’t because all of my friends I would have lost my light. No, I never thought about ending it all, cause I know the consequences. I thought of hurting myself, just to make sure do I still bleed? Do I still breath? Do I still living? Cause I feel nothing inside. All of the joy, the good memories seems more temporary, and the bad, painful memories seems more permanent to me. I feel like a small boat fighting thousands of big waves, I paddles as hard as I could I only get a feet further and miles away pushed back by the waves. So I thought having a job that isn’t 9 to 5 will make me at peace at least. One easy job came to me, I caught it, but every time I try to start that feeling come again, worry, anxious, helpless. Why? Why am I so afraid of having to work. Why? I finished the job. Feel relaxed knowing I’m too dumb to feel overwhelmed by an easy job. Another came in, I took it. And the feeling repeats. Then it stopped. No opportunity come to me so far. Maybe I did a bad job so the job never be offered to me again? Or because of.. no no it must be me, it must because of my bad bad bad job. I did it bad, I deserve to not having the offer again. Now I do things that I love cooking, creating, and sell it. I told myself this is better than having to get up really early only to be in line to catch the metro. It might be slow paced but I okay with it. Or NOT.. no it come again, it’s always there, when I feel that I got too much on my hand, I panicked, I stressed, I worry for too much. Why? Cause I hate failing, I hate being race to be the best. Why? Why do I hate it? Am I always gonna be here? Will I never move? Not backward not forward. I’m stuck. And idk why I hate the thought of working no not hate but petrified. I’m in a maze that has no end. Coward useless, under motivated. That’s 3 things that I feel right now. I have no ambition in life I have all the big dreams in my. But no motivation, cause I see this life too temporary I keep seeing the best thing in life isn’t the best after all. When you reach it always come the question now what? so what? That’s how I see the world.
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Try to think of what you feel from another perspective like this: all the good things in life and life itself are temporary which is why I want to live it to the fullest, make and do the things that I love, spend the time and make memories with people you love and love you back.
It's ok to take break from everything for a while so you can know what you really want and if you don't know anymore then set this as your new goal, explore yourself and what could be the things you want in life and what you wanna do. So, don't hold back for too long because that will make you lose motivation even more.
I know you'll be alright and I know you'll get through this because I used to be like you. I can tell that you're someone who works hard and tries to always do their best but you gotta do that you need some rest too and let go of the past. Don't strain your mind with all these thoughts now.
Love 💙
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