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i dont know why im thinking about her, i havent had any form of contact with her since early june of last year, i have a new girlfriend, ive moved on, so why have i been thinking about her so much lately.
and im going fucking crazy- i have an imaginary friend now and im in high school
oh and on top of that my streak of not cutting myself for 3 months is still going strong but its getting hard to keep that shit up, again thought i was fine but yk its getting harder and harder to not cut myself again
i dont know why im getting worse all of a sudden, i mean its not the worse ive ever been i moved past the fucking YEARS that i would always cut myself and wanted to kill myself but those thoughts are still there occasionally and its been really good for awhile now but i am just falling back down for absolutely no fucking reason like i dont know why its suddenly slowly getting worse, like im not alone anymore, i only really have one irl friend but ive made freinds online that i talk with all the time i have a girlfriend i have a job and money i dont know why im getting fucking worse, youd think this would happen last summer when i was absolutely alone, no friends to talk to, my one irl friend ghosting me for a few weeks, etc. and it kinda did but idk im just rambling
and realized a few days ago that ive actually got a lot of trauma so thats fun, i always told myself like no ur not traumatized ur really lucky with parents that are still together and a nice stable house "good" family, etc. nope. slowly realizing that oh maybe my parents are still together but ive actually got abandonment issues from my childhood best friend moving across the country, having a generally shitty on/off relationship w her, even dating her at one point, then being ghosted, then her friend that i got in contact with also ghosted me once i asked her to ask said childhood best friend why they havent responded, and my other childhood bestfriend still going to same school and living around the block but still leaving me for other people and not liking me anymore, and basically having all my irl friends leave me, the one i have left is my best friend but he can be really shitty at times and like i said ghosted me last summer for a few weeks
or oh yeah maybe have a alcoholic for a dad can be a little traumatizing
or oh maybe wanting to kill youself since you were fucking 11 years old and finding any way you could to cut yourself since that young (even resorting to cutting open a fucking soda can to have a slightly sharp piece of metal) and a dad thats so mentally ill that its normalized so he knew but didnt say shit and a mom that is just so fucking oblivious that even when i told her i wanted to fucking kill myself last year she just let me not do my missing school assignments, yeah maybe that can be a little traumatizing
oh and theres also feeling so shitty about feeling so bad and wanting to kill myself because i have a seemingly great life and im so lucky to have a family and a nice and stable house that i fucking wished for more trauma to validate how i was feeling, yeah i read that wishing for more trauma is actually a sign of major trauma itself so thats its whole own shit to unpack
oh and i most likely have adhd, like i probably couldve kept denying that one but my friend with adhd is the one that pointed it out, my sister had one of her friends with adhd point out to ehr that she probably has it, and it can be seen in my other sister, so im not just making shit up here but again, my dads mentally ill and its just fucking normalized for him, and my mom is quicker to admit the fucking dog has adhd than her own children
man all i want is some fucking adderall
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ReplyYour childhood best friend moving across the country or some girls not responding doesn't equal your abandonment. People travel, people move on.
Reply