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Today, I really wanted to press on the Gas Pedal and ran into a nearby tree/wall. Its by my reach, one full blow, and I dont have to let go. But that would endanger other people, and I wouldn't want that.
I'm hollow, lost and confused. Had a breakup which destroyed the very last of me. He was my reason to live, to actually have a goal and strive for life. I did not understand the reason, but he left me empty inside. He was my light, my compas, my soul. My life is not that bad, but its filled with emotional abuse, anxiety, loneliness and constant doubts.
I'm very close with my sibling, because we experience the same thing. But I know she already have someone, and she will be well taken care of. I know she said, we're family, even just the two of us, but I also know that she will have her own family with her bf, and I'll just be out of place. I don't really belong anywhere and honestly I just want to disappear. Even if I kill my self, I only leave more work to other people who have to bury me. If I could just disappear, without anyone noticing, that would be a bliss.
Plan A, somehow miraculously survive and have an epiphany to have more strength and found a reason to live, I need to get out of this toxic place.
Plan B, I've been stocking up some pills and calculated the amount for me to OD, (worse I'd be in a coma, but I will try again) I wanted to do it this September or somewhere where nobody knows me. I know its cowardly, and will leave a little pain, but I know these people are strong and will move on. I really think its better this way. I can leave all my savings to my sis, for her to start a new life with her bf. And I will sort everything out, and have proper goodbye to everyone I know. I'm just taking me and no one else should know.
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i love you.
Replyplease. dont.
Replyyour loved more than you think you are.
Replythis wont stop the pain, it will pass it to someone else.
Reply