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I was struggling throughout childhood and nobody ever really realized how bad it was.
3 years ago · 4 · life, +7 · Explicit
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I went to a therapist at age twelve and I was rather composed and well spoken for my age. I thought about things differently and related my ideas differently than other kids. I am highly empathetic (to the point where I can read people and their emotions quickly after meeting them) so could immediately see that my therapist was a bit confused and that she was intrigued by how I was thinking.
She told me that she'd "never met someone like me." I am often told that I am mentally mature for my age, but her just straight out telling me I was different kind of crushed me.
(Here's a little background to understand my story better)
It started when I was ten.
At the time, I was in a lot of pain caused by a rough puberty that brought about what I now recognize as gender dysphoria. I cried myself to sleep every night hoping that someone would tell me why I felt that my body was so wrong, why I was so wrong, and why I couldn't just go through puberty like the girls in health videos or how my mom had described it.
Puberty was described as this gradual change that could be slightly uncomfortable, but in the end, worth it. My parents were shocked when instead, I started having lots of emotional problems and breakdowns. I hated myself for being unable to just suck it up and be "normal" and do things the right way.
People didn't ever think puberty would be a problem for me, so they assumed that my breakdown was caused by something else. I was a good student and a socially smart kid (who never really had friendship issues), but at that time, my fourth grade teacher really wanted me to get on top of my major issue: Time management. I was late to school everyday that year and so it was easy for everyone, including my parents to chalk all my weird behavior up to that.
They assumed that I must have been stressed from all of the lunch detentions I was getting from being late or something, but in reality, that was the least of my problems. My teacher talked with my parents, then my parents and I had loads of conversations about "my issue" wit me and my teacher started cracking down on my tardiness.
I got more lunch detentions, lectures upon lectures, privileges suspended, and she would talk about it in front of other people, which was very embarrassing.
No matter if I had a legitimate excuse for being late or not, my teacher would take me into the hall and repeat her mantra:
"Lily, you need to take responsibility for your own actions."
This was usually followed by the sentiment that really ended up messing up me up. "People are depending on you and you're letting them down."
This is a normal thing you would instill in a child struggling to be on time, but for me, it was just about the worst thing to be told repeatedly.
During this whole crack down on my "issue," I was really, really struggling. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight, and I felt like I had absolutely no control over my body. As much as I willed myself to stop going through puberty, you can't stop that kind of thing without medication.
Then, I hit the worst part of it, when the mental changes came and my brain was trying to go from "girl" to woman. Not only did I feel like I couldn't control my body, but now I also felt that I couldn't control my own brain. I hated puberty so much, and now that puberty had changed me, I hated myself too.
So, take that and combine it with every adult, every person you trust, telling you that it's all this issue, time management, that's fucking up your life. Time management was literally the thing that I cared about THE LEAST. I actually couldn't understand how I could still be alive, how it was possible for a child to be ripped apart by what they believed to be their own mind. I'm still getting over the fact that I am actually alive today because I was so convinced that the pain and confusion would kill me.
Now imagine telling that kid, who hated themself so much, that their real issue was time management, this thing that they just couldn't get on top of no matter how hard they tried because all of their energy was consumed by staying alive without adult support that they were "letting people down" by not being able to solve this problem.
I felt like crap, my body and mind ripped apart by hormones and change, and just being unable to do this "simple thing" that would "solve the problem." And that my inability was so bad that it hurt other people.
I was just trying not to die...
The way I got to this therapist was having a mental break down in a doctor's office and after I explained to her that I was under a lot of stress and that I "didn't know how I was still alive," she thought that I was suicidal. That freaked me out so bad, I can't even relate the feeling I had when she said that. I was SO afraid of suicide. At the time I was in fifth grade, just getting used to the constant pain of this "puberty thing" and the reminder that I "had sometimes don't have control over my mind or body" made me worry. What if I was so broken that I did kill myself? Could I identify suicidal thoughts? Would I be able to stop my body from doing it? Or would I have not control again?
So, I ended up in therapy for "being suicidal." (Side note, to this day, I can't remember if I ever did have legit suicidal thoughts. Most of the time I know that I was just fearing for my life, but I wonder if I legit ever wanted to kill myself. I can't remember and my brain doesn't let me remember...)
Back to the original story:
So, this lady says that I'm different from anyone she's ever met when I tell her my most vulnerable things. Then, she focuses on this "being different," as well as "accepting change" and of course, time management, which she and my mom identified as a big problem.
It's the same thing all over again, being told I need help with one thing when I really need something else, and being unable to communicate that because I've never talked about what it could be other than "a rough puberty" and being told that I'm "different" when I say otherwise.
I ended up getting going to enough sessions for her to think that I was good, then, I got myself out of there ASAP.
The experience was so terrible and I hated that feeling of being unable to really get input in what I needed.
It wasn't a good situation, and I'm glad I got out, but now I have this irrational fear of therapists (acting as therapists though, I'm not afraid of people who are therapists, just when they are on duty at their job), doctors, anything medical, and medical offices. I haven't been to a therapist since (which isn't a recommendation, just a choice I made for myself).
I'll also mention that my time management never got better. I actually had to ask my mother to stop praising my third grade teacher for "taking action with my problem." I told her how awful it had been to be told over and over again that something was wrong with me and that I was hurting the people who loved me by being unable to fix it. Don't do that to a ten year old kid please. I'm slowly working through that problem now on my own and it's working so much better.
I really did have to learn to take care of myself after that and I was able to deal with the dysphoria, anxiety, and what eventually presented itself as dissociation. I also realized that I am transgender, and that it wasn't just a "hard puberty."
I'm a bigender (he/they) person and I was experiencing gender dysphoria.
I think that I have more control over my mind now and I'm at peace with my body (still with I was masculine though!).
I don't think I'm going to die like that anymore, and I'm really proud of ten year old me not dying either.
I think I turned out alright. I'm getting better.
- Danny
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I am so proud of you danny
ReplyThank you ❤
ReplyI wish you the best going forward danny <3
ReplyThank you so much! It really taught me to push through and make things work and I'm really happy with the person I am today ❤
Reply